Monty, the Red-Faced Golfer
(A seasonal tribute to Europe's favourite curmudgeon)

Original music and lyrics by Johnny Marks and Robert L. May

[If you would like musical accompaniment, please click here]
	You know Tiger and Lefty, and Padraig and Vijay, Retief and Sergio, and Ernie and K.J. But do you recall, the grumpiest golfer of all? Monty, the red-faced golfer, Had a very angry air. So everyone who saw him, Called him a sore-headed bear. None of the golf spectators, Ever dared to talk or cough. Never let a pin drop near him, ‘Cos you would incur his wrath. Then one lovely summer’s day, Bernhard called to say: “Monty would you take me up, Be my pick for the Ryder Cup?” Then all his team-mates loved him, He helped them to a victory. Monty, the red-faced golfer, You’ll go down in history! All the supermodels enjoyed Monty at the Dunhill Cup. But it never lasted that long, Even they can’t cheer him up! Monty, the red-faced golfer, Had a very frosty frown. So if you ever saw him, He looked like he’d just gone five down. But one evening in Detroit, His team-mates had to say: "Monty, with your belly-putter, You've shown us you're not a nutter!" Then all his team-mates loved him, He helped them to a victory. Monty, the red-faced golfer, Now you've got the OBE!