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U.S. to field team of 12 wives for 2006? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
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September 25, 2004; Source: AnyoneForTee World Exclusive PGA explores legality of sending 12 wives to the K Club, as Mrs Hal Sutton offers to be non-playing Captain! USA. As the United States struggles to come to terms with a record defeat in this year's contest, and with the search for a scapegoat in full cry, one group is putting forward a radical solution to the US' inability to field a unified, winning team.  Anyone For Tee understands that M.G. Orender (pictured right), President of the PGA of America, has ordered lawyers to study the possibility of fielding a team composed entirely of players' wives at the 2006 matches, following an incident at the Sunday evening closing dinner which followed the fourth US defeat in five matches.  Mr Orender, seated at the dinner with US Captain Hal Sutton on his left and Mrs Sutton on his right, was caught in the crossfire of a violent marital argument as Ashley Sutton (pictured next to Hal in a happier moment with Bernhard Langer and his wife Vikki) berated her husband for letting the Europeans win. "Y'all were pathetic," Mrs Sutton is understood to have said. "You let the United States down. You let us down. Why, me and the rest of the gals could've done better than y'all, an' we ain't even golfers!"Her remarks were greeted with wild applause and shouts of "Right on Ash" and "You da man" by the other wives of the losing US team, giving Mr Orender a sleepless night, but one caused not by the events of the previous three days, but by the enormity of the idea forming in his mind.  "He wasn't sure how the idea would be received," said a senior PGA official, speaking to Anyone For Tee on condition of anonymity. "But after checking with Ashley Sutton that she was genuinely ready to take on the challenge, he organised a conference call with PGA representatives from all over the country (picture right), and their feedback - after the initial moment of surprise - was very positive. There was a feeling that we fielded our best team, on paper at least, at Oakland Hills, and we got our butt kicked, so there was nothing to lose in trying something new. Of course, the figures he showed us were very convincing (see table below - Ed), and when he got on to the strategy, well..., I guess you could say we were hooked."
The US strategy is, of course, a closely guarded secret, but Anyone For Tee has obtained the following details from a leaked document sent to us by a dissenting member of the PGA, who is anxious to see the plans shelved.  A small working group has been formed, composed of M.G. Orender, Ashley Sutton - Captain Elect, together with Amy Mickelson and Robin Love (seen third and fourth from the left in this photo). Elin Nordegren (second from left) has been left out despite her status as partner to the US' highest ranked player, due to concerns about possible difficulties in her relationship with Tiger and the fact that, as a Swede, she could not be trusted to keep the US' strategy secret, should the marriage not take place.The wives have all begun taking golf lessons, and although everyone is well aware that two years is not long enough to reach the level normally expected of Ryder Cup players, this is not a major concern. "The Europeans are gentlemen," reads the document, "and will not play their hardest against ladies. We will exploit this weakness in their pyschological make-up. In other words, if we cannot beat them with our golf, we will beat them by gamesmanship."  The US believe that the Europeans are also easily distracted by a pretty face. "Sergio Garcia is a bachelor," continues the document, "and we know from his relationship with former world no. 1 tennis player Martina Hingis that he likes pretty, sporting women. Even if he were to marry before 2006, as a hot-blooded Spaniard he is still likely to have an eye for a shapely body. Then there is Colin Montgomerie, recently divorced. We feel it unlikely that he will remarry before the next Ryder Cup, as he wishes to earn a place on the team through his play, rather than relying on a Captain's pick, so he will be focussing very single-mindedly on his golf game, the very thing which caused his divorce in the first place."But it is the final paragraph of the US strategy document which Anyone For Tee believes could spell disaster for the Europeans in 2006, if counter-measures are not taken. "Playing uniforms will be very important in the final result," the document ends. "For the first day of fourballs and foursomes, the girls will wear elegantly tailored slacks or knee-length shorts, depending on the  weather. But day two's outfit will depend on the results of day one. If we are leading, we will continue with the same basic clothes. However, in the more likely event that we are tied or behind in points, the shorts will either be much shorter and tighter, or will be replaced by very short golfing skirts. We shall also abandon traditional polo shirts in favour of navel-revealing crop-tops (right). This can be expected to help us take a solid lead into the singles on day three.""Then, on day three, we will ensure a crushing margin of victory, erasing the memory of 2004, by putting the entire team out in bikinis. Elin Nordegren, Amy Mickelson and Sonya Toms (see below) have already demonstrated their ability to turn male heads in swimwear, and the rest of us will be in such good shape by then that the Europeans will be completely unable to keep their eye on the ball. It will be a massacre!" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
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 It remains to seen whether the daring plan can be executed, and whether indeed the rules of the Ryder Cup will permit the US to field a female team, but a European tour spokesman told Anyone For Tee it would be hard to deny them the right. "Of course there is the Solheim Cup for female professionals, but I'm not aware of anything in the rules forbidding women in the Ryder Cup. Providing they are officially professional golfers representing the US, and are prepared to play off the same tees as the men, I'm not sure what we could do about it," he said.And how might the European team meet such a challenge to their supremacy, we asked. "Well, there's not a lot we can do about the men. Boys will be boys, after all. But we could take a leaf out of the Americans' book, and field our own best women. After all, Annika Sörenstam (above right) has played with the men, and we know she looks good in a bikini, if it comes to that. Of course, I'm not sure how Laura Davies would feel about playing in a swimsuit, but that's not really the point is it? At least she'd be immune to the Americans." Book your tickets for the K Club now. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
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