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Langer conducts inquest into Day One's "disgraceful" European performance |
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September 18, 2004; Source: AnyoneForTee World Exclusive Half-rations introduced after team "gifts" 1½ points to Americans!  By our undercover reporter, A.T. Caddy IIIDETROIT. An angry Bernhard Langer last night slammed his team of journeymen for giving away one and a half points to the American superstars on day one of the Ryder Cup. A fuming Langer blamed pitiful European sporting attitudes for gifting the points to the Americans – after Paul McGinley and Luke Donald could only halve their morning fourball against Chris Riley and Stewart Cink, and Miguel Angel Jimenez and Thomas Levet shocked the golfing world by dropping a full point against Chris DiMarco and Jay Haas in the afternoon foursomes.  While most media attention focused on the USA team captain Hal Sutton’s decision to drop star Phil 'The Flop' Mickelson (pictured right) from the day two fourballs, Anyone For Tee managed to infiltrate the European camp as the players and caddies dined last night at a local restaurant following their surprise 6½ to 1½ day one lead. Dressed as a tee caddie, our reporter was shocked to hear the European players pilloried by team captain Langer instead of being congratulated for their sizeable first day advantage. "Vot is going on out zere!!! zed (said - Ed) Langer. "Ve giv zem nuz-zing...nuz-zing... you understand!!!" Confirming his reputation as a strict disciplinarian, Langer then – to the amazement of his players – forced McGinley and Luke Donald to eat bread and water only while Jimenez and Levet were ordered to wash the dishes at the restaurant after dinner. "Tomorrow I vont no half measures," he bellowed from a loudhailer vile (while - Ed) standing on the restaurant table. "Ve vill take zem from the start and show zem no mercy. Understand...?? Understand?????"  "Donald... duck!!" cried Monty as a Langer-projected table implement flew at not so lucky Luke’s head, but it was too late and Anyone For Tee can confirm that Langer’s uncanny accuracy with the spoon remains as legendary as ever. As a result of extensive bruising to his right eyebrow, Donald is expected to play in sunglasses tomorrow, a measure which Langer later justified by saying it would keep his young star in the frame all day and Tiger Woods in his shades. "Und tomorrow I vant you hot, not Luke-varm," he added. Langer then unveiled a raft of brutal disciplinary measures against the errant foursome who had let some of the European advantage slip. Jimenez has been banned from paella eating for the rest of the tournament, as Langer claimed it was encouraging a "thoroughly shell-fish" attitude on the course. The Spaniard was also ordered forbidden to light up any more cigars "because zey obfiously make you choke".Similary, Levet’s partiality for escargots will have to wait until after the tournament after Langer blamed the dish for the Frenchman's snail pace during the afternoon foursomes. McGinley, who appeared to have got off lucky until that point, then came in for a Langer lashing. "Half a point, you zink zat is good enough against Stewart Zink. You could have blocked ze Zink and vot did you do? You only half blocked it!" he screamed. "You are not fit enough! No more potatoes and Guinness for you – zay make you stout!"  A shocked McGinley (right) who had been tucking in nicely to a brimming plate of his favourite Irish stew – and was also eating Darren Clarke's and Monty's potatoes while they dined on a shared lettuce leaf – then watched his dish thrown through the air by a now near maniacal Langer. Unfortunately the steaming hot meal landed on the head of a local off duty Oakland Hills policeman, Chuck Truncheon, who was dining at a nearby table. All hell then broke loose as the policeman and his colleagues rushed over to the European team table. "Irish stew in the name of the law," he said to Langer, handcuffing the European team captain to his chair, while calling for reinforcements.  While Langer protested his innocence – "Free ze Ryder Cup One!" – his team slipped quietly into the bar next door."Right, who’s for a drink?" said a happy Monty. "They’re on me." "I’ll have a pint of Guinness please," said a much happier McGinley, before adding sheepishly, "actually, you'd better make that a half..." |
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