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US Open leaderboard covered in Gore! |
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June 18, 2005; Source: AnyoneForTee World Exclusive Bloody carnage at Pinehurst as Gore comes to the fore! |
PINEHURST, N.C. A typically savage US Open course set-up at Pinehurst wreaked bloody havoc in yesterday's second round with Gore all over the leaderboard!But while some of the sport’s top names were in tatters – Phil Mickleson shot 77 to just make the cut – it was a real Gore, an unheralded 31 year-old journeyman called Jason (pictured right), who stole the headlines. Jason Gore, a half brother once removed (before the removal he was a full brother) to former US Vice President Al Gore – and with a similarly poor record in majors – shot a dazzling 4-under 67 to share the half-way lead.  He was joined by playing through (the foursome in front of him kept holding him up) champion Retief Goosen and another ridicously unknown American called Olin Browne (left) – who claims to come from Washington but is probably a Texan in disguise as his name means 'newborn oil' when recalculated by AnyoneForTee’s new Anagram Analysis – a state of the art new technology designed to sort out golfers.While the mainstream golfing media focused on Goosen and other top names like Vijay Singh and Sergio Garcia (both even par), AnyoneForTee boldly decided to probe into the background of Jason Gore – a distasteful prospect so we examined his biography instead.  We can reveal that Gore, known by his nickname 'Blimey' in Britain, came into the tournament with odds of 7 million to one but his fine two-round performance has seen those slashed to 6.9 million to one.
Jason learned his golf on the family living room carpet in Van Nuys, California. There he would fall asleep as a boy after hours of putting practice and his parents would come home to find Gore splattered all over the carpet.His USPGA bio says he went to Pepperdine University, an institution no-one has ever heard of (though it could be in Salt Lake City), where he studied psychology, but clearly neither spelling nor history as he later named his son Jaxon, "after a great US President".  But it is our final revelation that will shock the golfing world. AnyoneForTee Anagram Analysis (AFTAA) reveals that 'he' formerly disguised himself as Joan Gorse, a journeywoman player on the US LPGA circuit. Ms Gorse (left) was a particularly bad woman driver who lived up to her name by receiving numerous penalty drops out of gorse bushes. Joan was deeply affected by a fellow Gore loss to another Bush – George – in the 2000 US presidential election. She was so worried that his/her sexual ruse could ruin another family bid for the White House that she sought the help of 'brain coach' Dr Preston Waddington, the low-key man [pretty hard to do with a name like that - Ed)] who brilliantly taught current world no. 15 Stewart Cink that he has nothing to fear but fear itself.Together Waddington and Gorse/Gore tried to help Joan/Jason achieve a healthier mindset. "We’ve been trying to get some of the mental crap out," says Jason. "He’s got me working on being myself and not trying to be someone else." It appears to have worked, as he/she decided to revert to the  men's circuit earlier this year. The results were immediate. Immediately bad. She, sorry he, finished tied for 11th in the 12-man field at the Chattanooga Classic – where Jason was sponsored by Wrigleys, leading a reporter to ask a match official: "Pardon me boy, is that the Chattanooga chew chew?"So can Joan [Jason! - Ed], go all the way at the US Open? Former Vice-President Al thinks so, especially as Chad Campbell has missed the cut (8-over 148). "With no Chads hanging around this weekend, we’re confident of a Gore triumph," he said.  Just one stroke behind Gore and Brown is the equally obscure Mark Hensby (right), an Australian living in Arizona whose greatest previous claim to fame was that for a few weeks in December 1994 he lived in his car in the parking lot at Cog Hill, home of the PGA Tour's Cialis Western Open, in the hope that he might meet Seve Ballesteros during the Spaniard's round. The Aussie is also known for his partiality for tight trousers – AnyoneForTee Anagram Analysis tells us that Mark Hensby translates as 'Shrank by me'. Just behind the leaders is flying Kiwi Michael Campbell, who shot a 69 and is benefiting from having to resist the unlikely challenge to his New Zealand number one status from the antipodean sheep golfing phenomenon – Sean Fleece (pictured left, click here for the full story) – who unfortunately didn’t make this event as he only qualifies for the EweSPGA. |
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