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Can psychic sideshow see the winner?

July 14, 2005; Source: AnyoneForTee
"I can't see the Woods for the trees"; "I can feel the hand of an Angel on the Claret Jug" – Europe's top soothsayers battle for predictive top spot!
By AnyoneForTee's Psychic Correspondant Krystal Ball

ST ANDREWS. As the world's top golfers gathered at St Andrews in the glare of the international media and Darren Clarke's trousers, the rather less-heralded International Soothsayers European Exhibition (I-SEE) was taking place nearby in St Andrews Bay.

Clairvoyants, psychics, visionaries, mediums (Craig Stadler was refused entry as he is an XXXXL) and full-blown soothsayers from 45 European countries were predicting a successful week, along with several meetings with tall dark strangers.

But could Europe's top readers of the future fore!-tell the winner of The Open? After our exclusive revelation that 16th century prophet Nostradamus had predicted world number one Tiger Wood's triumph in this year's Masters (click here for story), AnyoneForTee decided to put the Frenchman's modern-day equivalents to the test as our special correspondent Krystal Ball asked them for their glimpses into the future – a future just 72 holes away.

But considering there is only one future, Europe's top predictive pundits put forward a bewildering array of fore!casting. One, the famous 'Tipperary Tipster' Toby Shaw, refused to name a winner, simply repeating over and over, "sooth...sooth...sooth."

Was this a self-calming tactic to help his clairvoyancy powers? "No, oi'm not in the da bizness of picking dem golfin' winners," he told AnyoneForTee, "I'm just a sooth sayer – dere, I said it again! Sooth...sooth...sooth..."

The Galway representative - County Clare Voyant – was more decisive. Gazing carefully into a Waterford Crystal Ball she said confidently: "I can't see da Woods for da trees." What, Tiger out of the money? And trees? There aren't any trees at St Andrews, we pointed out cautiously.

"No, bejeezus, I said, trees... not twos, not fours, birdie trees... Woods will birdie all de par 4s wid birdie trees – dere's yer winner alright!"

The French representative Madame Theresa Crowd was equally forthcoming. "Ee will be coming fourse," she confirmed, after following her favoured method of deciphering snail trails in a Pastis bottle. "Ee is definitely past-is best," she continued..."I see a tall wet stranger, wiz no socks... and fleeppers. Or maybe ee 'as just fleepped. Ees name is... Gene, Jan, Jean....and ee is driving a welder's van – or ee may just as well be with zis sort of inaccuracy off ze tee."

But if Jean Van de Velde is to come fourth, who will be the winner? Krystal Ball approached 'Super Sid the Psychic Kid', famous the world over for solving some of history's most baffling mysteries – most recently George Bush's re-election to the White House, where he correctly identified millions of Americans as the perpetrators.

In a darkened room with the curtains drawn and the walls painted, Sid gazed intently at a Ouija Board in front of him. "I can hear the flutter of Angel's wings around the Claret jug," he said. Angel Cabrera (right), the Argentinean great, we asked excitedly? [He'd better start flapping those wings a bit faster after his first round 75 – Ed]

"That's him," nodded Sid, "and he's being pursued by some husband and wife combinations." Husband and wife combinations? Couples? "Yes," nodded Sid gravely.

Much interest centered on the views of the English representative, a newcomer to the predictive profession, known simply as 'Seer Clive Woodward' (left). Staring blankly ahead while he stroked an aged white rugby jumper, he told us: "No Scots will make the cut and you can forget about the Welsh and most of the Irish too. I can see 15 aged Englishmen storming to victory and crushing any New Zealanders in the field. Campbell will choke. Mind you, with Jonny Wilkinson injured at 10, we'll need another Englishman to play the final seven holes to secure the Championship..."

Ian Poulter, we asked? Luke Donald, maybe? Lee Westwood, perhaps? "No you fool," replied Seer Clive (right), before being lead away for his medication, "Will Greenwood! He will save us all. I tell you. The tour was a major success. And when did Tiger last win a Rugby World Cup? Not like me, I did..."

Finally we turned to a contemporary descendant of the great Nostradamus himself, a nice young man from Lyon – sorry, a lying young man from Nice – called Nostril Damus, who claims to be able to predict results through his acute sense of smell. And he claimed he knew the winner for sure.

"Today I smelled it in the wind," he told AnyoneForTee with a nasal whine, "Yes, there's no mistaking John Daly (right) after breakfast. He's your man!

So which of our soothsayers – "sooth, sooth, sooth" – [that's enough!! – Ed] – will be proven right. Will Tiger earn his stripes? Will a flutter on an Angel prove worthwhile? Can Couples prove his worth at singles? Could Will Greenwood be the greatest shock winner of all? Will Jean Van de Welde be forthcoming in coming fourth and could John Daly blow the others away if the (and his) wind gets up? Tune in later this week to AnyoneForTee to find out.

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