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"STORM" warning at US Open! |
 June 17, 2004; AnyoneForTee World Exclusive Outrage as USGA unveils new rules intended to stop 'Nobody' winners! |
NEW YORK. The organisers of this week's US Open Championship, the United States Golf Association (USGA), face a potential players’ boycott following the leaking of draconian new regulations to stop 'unknown' players winning major tournaments. AnyoneForTee has gained exclusive access to minutes of a top-secret summit meeting of the Royal & Ancient Golf Club and the USGA on the eve of the US Open at Shinnecock Hills (left). Officials are concerned that the "no-name" winners are eroding the prestige of the greatest tournaments in golf. One insider, speaking on condition of anonymity, told AnyoneForTee: "At this rate, they won't be Majors much longer - they'll be Captains or even Second Lieutenants!They reveal a radical, some would say sinister, plan to stop hitherto unrecognized players winning golf’s Majors – starting this weekend! The STORM (Stop Outsiders Ruining Majors) Bill is set to change the very nature of every Major tournament and rock the entire golfing world. The rule changes are the result of intense pressure from the television networks and sponsors who fear that millions of viewers will switch off, rather than doze off, watching players like Tony Curtis and Sam Miguel (Ben Curtis and Sean Micheel!! – Ed) battle it out down the stretch as happened at last year’s Open and US PGA. Readers wishing to consult the new rules for themselves will be disappointed if they visit the official US Open webisite (http://www.usopen.com/) and go to the "USGA - Rules" section. The controversial text has been withdrawn from public view, and the section now throws out a "You are not authorized to view this page" message.  Extra momentum was added to the debate after 'unknowns' (right) won the last three European Tour events. Welsh Cummerbund (Scott Drummond – Ed) was the shock victor in the Volvo PGA at Wentworth at the end of May, followed by the even more unknown Aga Khan (no! – Simon Khan – Ed) at the Celtic Manor Wales Open a week later, and culminating last week at the Diageo Championship with Molly Tunafish (for goodness' sake!!! - Miles Tunnicliff - Ed).From this weekend, AnyoneForTee has learned that the radical new rules will virtually eliminate the chances of 'nobodies' winning any Major, such as the winner of the Open Sandwich... the Sandwich Open last year, Billy... Bob... Blair... Blake Lettuce (Ben Curtis! – Ed) and shock US PGA champion Slim Michelob (Sean Micheel! – Ed). "It’ll be Amen corner for the Masters if we can’t get Tiger and Ernie back in contention at Augusta," said Augusta National Golf Club chairman Hootie Johnson, who heads the STORM working group. "We’ve got to make it possible for the real stars to win again. The courses are just being set up too hard for the top players." In this worldwide exclusive, AnyoneForTee can reveal some of the changes that will be implemented this week at Shinnecock:
 Leading unknowns in this week’s tournament, including (in their own) household names like Dudley Hart, Daniel Chopra, Casey Wittenberg, Nick Flanagan, Tim Petrovic, Cliff Kresge, Chez Reavie, Roger Tambellini, Zach Johnson, Parker McLachlin and Kevin "The Pup" Stadler (left), have threatened to collectively boycott the event, provided they can identify each other to hold a meeting in the first place.From the publishers: AnyoneForTee would like to place on record its own disagreement with this discriminatory initiative from the PGA. To underline our commitment to equality among all golfers, from superstars to duffers, we have personally wagered 75% of our post-tax profits on five unknowns in this year’s tournament with a leading bookmaker. We are fully prepared to sue the USGA if any of our favourites are forced to play with Walmart bags on their heads or be disadvantaged by any of the other proposed measures. So here are our famous five from among the 156 man field:
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For the last 36 holes of every major there will be three holes on every green – an 'XL' hole (right) for top 20 players (strictly measured to equate to the perimeter of Craig Stadler’s bath tub); a conventional 'Medium' hole for those ranked 20-50 and a Teeny weeny' hole that measures exactly 1.68 inches (the diameter of the ball - Ed) for anyone outside the top 50! Players outside the top 500 will not be allowed a hole at all and will therefore be disqualified for failing to complete their rounds! 
Players ranked 150 or worse must wear a Walmart shopping bag over their head when chipping or putting. Our pictures show a USGA official trying out the bags; the 'smiley' face will be adjusted from happy to sad according to the player's position in the field.
If still in contention on day 4, the leading non-top 100 player will be automatically paired with Colin Montgomerie (right). As Monty will already be well out of contention – and probably not have made the cut – he will be in an even worse mood than usual and drive his partner to distraction.
To ensure a hot putting streak does not catapult any outsider into an unfair lead, special obstacles will be dropped onto the greens when nobodies are putting. Our exclusive picture (right) shows one of them being tested during a top-secret trial at last year’s Omega European Masters at Crans-Sur-Sierre in Switzerland. The picture shows semi-unknown Kiwi Maori Cornball (Michael Campbell! – Ed) after being forced to putt over nearby Mont Blanc (always a tricky downhill left to righter),while triple major champion Ernie Els has just holed out in the conventional manner. AnyoneForTee can reveal that Els finished with a par 4 on the prototype hole and Cornball, to the delight of European Tour officials, with a 97.
Brian Gay (right): Has to make our selection if only for the unlikeliness of the consequent headline, “First Gay to win US PGA!” Here is a truly obscure player from the Bjorn Cutlass (Ben Curtis! – Ed) mould who will terrify the likes of Woods, Els and Singh should they be paired with him on Sunday. Arch conservative Singh in particular won’t like the headlines "Singh outed by Gay on final hole." 
Kristopher Cox (right): So unknown he can’t even spell his own first name! We have learned that he is from Lafayette, possibly a reference to Galeries Lafayette, the famous French department store. But what’s he doing at Shinnecock? Look out for a Coxed-pair going shot for shot down the final few holes with a truly petrified big name player. Can you imagine how Ernie Els will explain this away? 
Steve Gotsche (pictured right) - frustrating for his playing partners, who are each receiving a 'Gotcha', but handicapping is not allowed at the US Open
David Roesch (right) - not much hootin' and hollerin', with just US$4,049 won from eight tournaments on the Hooters Tour so far this year
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