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USPGA Day 3 - Monty gives no thanks for turkey! |
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August 15, 2004; Source: Another AnyoneForTee World Exclusive Monty stuffed by a turkey; Briny shoots a grouse; Tiger's progress slowed by Fasth play! By Anyone For Tee's Ornithology Correspondent Rich Fowler |
WISCONSIN. Colin Montgomerie’s bid to earn a Ryder Cup berth was stuffed by a turkey during the third round of the USPGA.After having made the cut at one over, the Scottish star was making solid progress on day three with four successive pars before his round fell apart dramatically on the difficult par five fifth at Whistling Straits. Needing to make a big move on Saturday to boost his hopes of lining up at Oakland Hills in September, Monty instead found water, then sand and then rough at the fifth, before three-putting for a nine. Under Anyone For Tee’s pioneering new scoring system, that constitutes a turkey, whereas if he had two-putted it would only have been an infamous grouse. [Editor’s Note: The turkey is part of the biggest shake-up in golf's scoring system since the formation of the first R&A Rules of Golf Committee in 1897. The new scoring system, which has not been approved by the R&A and is not likely to be before at least 2897, was spawned by Anyone For Tee in order to lend more acceptable and suitably bird-based names to the perfectly commonplace over par scores run up by ordinary golfers worldwide.]  Monty (right) admitted the turkey had knocked the stuffing out of him and put him in a fowl mood for the rest of his round. "I was desperate for a birdie, but not one that fat," he groaned.Instead of lining up a lucrative top 20 finish, the Turkey has left Monty eyeing poultry pickings and possible omission from the European Ryder Cup team. Monty’s disaster was not the only unusual incident on an eventful third day. World number one Tiger Wood’s progress up the leader board was slowed by Fasth play, in this case his playing partner Swedish star Niclas Fasth.  "I couldn't waste my time, put the club back and start the whole routine all over again. I had to get up and I hit a poor shot," he said. "I think it's the guys that we don't see week to week. The guys who are tour veterans know what they are doing - they never mess up." But Fasth (right) denied he was slow. "I’ve always been Fasth. My father was Fasth and my father’s father was Fasth. In fact, we come from a long line of Fasthers, especially at Lent. The Slowhs come from the next village, near to the Finnish border - they’re really Slowh Finnishers!"Meanwhile, one of the day’s biggest dramas occurred at the par-3 17th when Ireland’s Darren Clarke shanked his tee shot, sending the ball some 70 yards  right of the green."It was outrageous - as good a shank as you are likely to see, other than on Natalie Gulbis," said Clarke. Clarke recovered well to card what he described as a "good" bogey, unlike the "bad" Grouse (triple bogey) carded by the leading unknown contender Briny Baird on the same hole which caused him to crash out of contention. As disclosed exclusively by Anyone For Tee, Baird is a local sailor who took a wrong turning, ended up beached at Whistling Straits and got to play in the event when Greg Norman dropped out and a PGA official mistook Baird's battered mast for a three wood. But his tournament challenge truly ran aground after his spot of grouse shooting.  Vijay Singh will take a one-shot lead into the last round, ahead of Justin Leonard (right). Three shots further back are Ernie Els, Phil Mickelson, Darren Clarke, Stephen Ames and the leading unknown Grizz Wyllie (Chris Riley – Ed). O’Really (Riley! – Ed) heads the pack for Anyone For Tee's prestigious Unknown USPGA, ahead of Baird (-5), Geoff Ogilvy (-4), Joe Ogilvie (-3 and no relation to Geoff, though he wouldn’t recognise him even if he was, as no-one ever does), J.L. Lewis (believed to be veteran comedian Jerry Lewis) on -2 and the splendidly-named Arron Oberholser and Bo Van Pelt on 2 under and 1 under respectively. Cries of "Go Bo go!!" and "You’re the Van" followed Bo as he pelted the course with good shots, coming in with a creditable 2-under 70, leaving himself with an outside chance of becoming the most unknown unknown to win a Major since Bowen Curtsy (Ben Curtis! – Ed) won the 2003 Open at Sandwich.  Rye Pinacolada (Roy Biancalana!! – Ed) is hanging in there, on +4, the same score as the recent gloriously unknown winner of the Open at Royal Troon, Cod TamilTigerTown (I give up, Todd Hamilton!!! – Ed), pictured right. Look out for our dramatic final day’s report tomorrow as Anyone For Tee brings you the stories the other golfing media are too frightened to print! |
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