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Drug scandal rocks USPGA! |
August 14, 2004; Source: AnyoneForTee World Exclusive"I had a burger a hole habit" admits Daly, as Stadler duo also come under spotlight for fast food abuse - but worse is yet to come! By Anyone For Tee's Fast Food Correspondent 'Big' Mac Enfrize WISCONSIN. American sport is reeling from another major drugs crisis at this week’s USPGA at Whistling Straits in Kohler. Just days after a number of top US athletes tested positive for performance-enhancing substances, the doping crisis engulfing sport in the United States has deepened to golf, hitherto a 'clean' sport. An intensive undercover investigation by Anyone For Tee has led to two of America's top golfers being exposed for their addictive habits before and during tour events.  Video evidence gathered by Anyone For Tee has conclusively proved that Craig 'The Walrus' Stadler and John 'Wild Thing' Daly have been artificially assisted by stimulants – believed to be Big Macs and other related fast food – over many seasons. Our exclusive footage – shot on wide screen because of the golfers' respective girths – taken at a recent US PGA event shows both golfers secretively scoffing multiple burgers between holes. Anyone For Tee also understands that rising British star Ian Poulter is under suspicion of having developed a burger habit, and that several more leading names in the golfing world are under investigation. These include French star Thomas Levet (below left, at the Open), whose breakthrough win at the  Scottish Open and superb performance during the Open Championship have been conclusively shown to be fuelled by Big Macs. "The poor guy must have it real bad," said a USPGA anti-doping official, "he's not even trying to hide it. He drives his ball right over by the burger and ice-cream stalls and has a quick fix before playing his second shot."While eating during a round is perfectly legal, Anyone For Tee has discovered that many of the burgers may contain genetically modified ingredients – therefore offering clear performance-enhancing potential. Daly’s dramatically improved performance in 2004 has led to a whispering campaign. When he beat a world-class field at Torrey Pines earlier this year for his first US victory on the PGA Tour in 10 years and followed it up with a runner-up slot to Vijay Singh at the Buick Open, the whisper escalated to a roar. But when he qualified for the US Olympic squad’s 100 metre’s relay team, even his wife Sherrie knew something was up.  "We should have guessed something was wrong when we heard about John's new business venture," said the official. "But we thought he was just putting a little something away for his retirement, not putting away more food. And, of course, he was having the burgers specially prepared for his... let's call them dietary needs."  "Those veggie burgers are full of genetically modified soyabeans," confirmed leading PGA nutritionist Cole Slore, "everyone knows they’re so awful they slow down your heart rate and speed up your bowel movements. That in turn encourages the player to swing smoothly and without unnatural jerkiness in case of any... shall we say... unfortunate consequences. Did you notice how Poulter took to wearing Plus Fours with bicycle clips at  the British Open and how quickly he raced off the course after putting out on the 18th? It’s exactly the same principle with 100 meter sprinters. They simply have to get to the other end. I rest my case."Confronted by video evidence from Torrey Pines and the Buick Open, an initially defiant Daly quickly crumbled, offering to sell his full story for a Sausage McMuffin with Egg and a Coca-Cola Classic (large). "Yes I admit it... I had a burger a hole habit. I just kept downing them – the burgers not the putts. Couldn’t help myself. Well, actually I couldn’t stop helping myself. Sometimes with fries – Freedom, not French of course – and a Strawberry triple-thick Shake to go. They gave me self confidence, allowed me to go into the clubhouse after the round without trying to steal Craig Stadler’s or Colin Montgomery’s food – that sort of thing. But no way did I know that anyone had tampered with those burgers man!"  Stadler was similarly defensive. At a packed press conference – he and son Kevin 'the Pup' filled the conference room – he told reporters waiting outside, "What’s a walrus meant to do? Starve? Yes I admit it, I ate 36 burgers during the back nine of a recent senior’s event. So what? They were strictly for personal use, my performance was not enhanced, no-one was hurt... apart from the lavatory attendant on the 16th who should have got out of my way quicker." Stadler cited dramatic video evidence from the last day at the US Open in Shinnecock Hills when his son (pictured left) Kevin’s charge up the leader board was dramatically stalled after a fairway collapsed following the player’s disposal of four double quarter-pounders with cheese, large French Fries, 20 chicken McNuggets and a sausage, egg & cheese McGriddle with a chocolate triple-thick Shake (32oz), a vanilla reduced fat ice cream cone and a baked apple pie to go, between the 9th and 10th holes."Kevin’s man enough to admit he should never have eaten that reduced fat ice cream cone," said his father, shaking his head, "we all knew that it was kinda unnatural. But it does prove that we weren’t seeking any artificial advantage – hell Kevin couldn’t even bend over to put his tee in the ground on the 10th."  But if these revelations from Anyone For Tee's investigations into doping in professional golf have left officialdom on its knees, worse may yet be to come. We have exclusive photographic evidence that the most dominant figure in women's golf in decades is also enhancing her performance with burgers. Annika Sörenstam, the undisputed ladies' world no. 1, has been spotted by our undercover team with her 'pusher' as she 'scores' a burger fix, under cover of receiving a trophy. "This news is deeply saddening," said the shocked LPGA Tour Commissioner, Ty Votaw. "Everyone in the game looks up to Annika for her professionalism, her work ethic, her amazing record, her participation against the men in the Colonial, but... if it's all done on burgers.... it's too awful to contemplate....." At this point he broke down and concluded our interview, but not before confirming that Annika's record and possibly even her place in the Hall of Fame may have to be reviewed if the suspicions are confirmed. "Of course, in the locker room, the rest of us girls, we, like, knew it all along," said a clearly delighted American LPGA star, speaking on condition of anonymity. "She was taking cooking lessons too! Like, it was for her husband or something? Puhleeease, let me laugh! It's just not natural for a girl to, like, play like that - the bitch... She, like, beat me in two playoffs, but maybe they'll, like, give the titles to me now.""We suspected the Europeans at the Solheim Cup," said another anonymous US star (read our report here). "Like, they spiked our drinks and - you know - stuff like that, so we're not surprised that she's, like, into dope too. No-one's that good, not without help."  Anyone For Tee approached Annika for her comments on our evidence, but she declined to speak on the record until she had consulted her lawyers. We can however say that after looking at our pictures, the world no. 1 burst into tears and left the interview in some haste. Anyone For Tee's evidence, published here for the first time, is under scrutiny as we go to press. The USPGA, the USGA, the LPGA and their European counterparts are desperate to maintain golf’s image as a clean family sport, and have welcomed our inquiry, promising they will do all they can to prevent the use of performance-enhancing burgers in the game. Have you seen a fellow golfer indulging in performance-enhancing burgers? Send your evidence by e-mail to our special 'Keep Burgers out of Golf' desk on teebox@AnyoneForTee.com |
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