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USPGA Report - Final Day |
 August 18, 2003; Source: AnyoneForTee World Exclusive!Unknown Michelob hits miracle shot to win with a tap in - then reveals it is all thanks to Gobra! OAK HILL. With one of the finest finishing shots ever seen in a major championship, Steve Mickless (Shaun Micheel - Ed) left his 7-iron approach to the 18th at Oak Hill within two inches of the cup to close out fellow unknowns Chuck Campfire (Chad Campbell - Ed) and Tom Cleek (Tim Clark - Ed) in the 85th USPGA Championship.  It gave him the shortest tap in ever to win a major, and was followed by emotional and then confusing scenes behind the 18th green, as the 34 year old winner embraced his wife Stephanie and their unborn baby, before disappearing into the vast crowd to return his card to the scorer. It was only twenty minutes later, as officials of the USPGA attempted to present the trophy to a used-car salesman from Ohio called Mirchison, that it was discovered that security guards had prevented the winner from crossing through the ropes with comments such as "Yeah, and I'm the President of the United States" and "Beat it Bud, you look like my wife's brother, and he can't break 120!". But thanks to some quick-wittedness on the part of Maxwell's (Micheel's - Ed) main sponsor, who pointed out that the winner represented Cleveland Golf, not Cleveland, Ohio, the second unknown major champion in two months finally hoisted his well-earned trophy. In his acceptance speech, he was both gracious and grateful to all those who had helped him achieve every professional golfer's dream, as he described his feelings coming down the stretch. "I felt bad for Chad (playing partner Campbell), because I don't think either one of us has been in this position," said Muscles (Micheel - Ed). "Just because people have never heard of me or Chad doesn't mean we can't play. You know, we often get mistaken for each other, and we talked about that on the putting green before going out. That, and the... other thing..., but I guess we shouldn't talk about that here. I just felt real comfortable out there this afternoon, like I never have before. Everything was hanging just right and I kept great balance in my swing. It was all real solid, and I thank those people for what they've done for me - they know who they are... Me and Ben, the other guys... we owe them a lot."After the ceremony, Eels (Micheel - Ed) faced the world's press, who all wanted to know what made a major champion out of a former nobody. Here are the key moments from that press-conference, ending with a startling revelation. NBC: "Seamus, you were lying 169th in the Official World Rankings before coming to Oak Hill, and 245th back in January. How do you explain such a meteoric rise through the ranks?" Shaun Micheel: "It's Shaun, but anyway I guess I've just been working on my game a lot, working real hard at the mental side, and then of course there's always the help from new technology." NBC: "What kind of new technology, I didn't see anything really new in your bag today, have you changed balls?"  Shaun Micheel: (laughs nervously) "Not exactly, no, I still have the same clubs and golf ball. Let's just say there are some changes you can't see."NBC: "Shane, come on, you're the new USPGA Champion, you've caused a sensation by beating the greatest names in golf, you have to be a little more explicit!" Shaun Micheel: "It's Shaun, please!..... Listen guys, I don't really want to talk about this, it's only a prototype that a few of us have been trying out. And the supplier's patent application is still awaiting approval, it's not a good time to do this..." The Golf Channel: "Shaun... er, is that right?... Shaun, does this have anything to do with the remarks in your acceptance speech about "the other thing" and "those people" you were wanting to thank?" Shaun Micheel: "Yea, that's right, a few of us guys owe them a lot for choosing us to trial the product."  NBC: "So Sh..aun, who are the other guys we're talking about here?"Shaun Micheel: (looks around room for someone, but doesn't see them) "Well... I guess it's OK to mention a few names... There's me and Ben, ..." NBC: (interrupting) "Would that be Ben Curtis?" Shaun Micheel: "Yea, Ben Curtis, there's me and him representing the kind of "rookies", then in the established players you've got Mike and Jim, ..." NBC: (interrupting again) "As in Weir and Furyk?!" Shaun Micheel: "Sure, and then for the older guys you've got Freddy Funk and Jay Haas. That's it, just six of us, at least on the regular tour. Of course there's others, in Europe, and on the senior tours." Golf Today: "Shaun, can you tell us who's been using this "product" in Europe?" Shaun Micheel: "I'm not too sure, I don't know all the guys over there that well, but I know there's the guy with the crazy hair..."  Golf Today: "Ian Poulter?"Shaun Micheel: "Yeah, that's him, Poulter - the Parrot, our little group calls him" (laughter in the room) - and the Wales guy who beat Lefty in the Ryder Cup, he was one of the first." ABC Sports: "Philip Price?" Shaun Micheel: "Price, yeah."  ESPN: "And Thomas Bjørn?"Shaun Micheel: "No... I don't think so, I heard he changed his mind... pity, like Chad... " Sky News: "Shaun, you've just given us the names of almost every player who's made an impact on the game this year, including all the major winners and two veterans who've had a new lease of life this season. You have to tell us more about this product." Shaun Micheel: "Guys, I already told you, I can't say much. I have a contract..." NBC: "Shaun, it sounds like we're talking about a breakthrough in new technology that could transform the game, you must be able to give us a few details without giving it all away." Shaun Micheel: (looking around room again, still without success) "Weeee...ll, I guess I can say that it's an article of clothing, but that's about all." ABC Sports: "You mean like a glove... or new shoes? Is it shoes, do you have new shoes that give you better grip, that let you generate more power and control?" Shaun Micheel: "No, nice try, but it's not shoes."  CNN: "Aw, c'mon man, we're not playing a guessing game here, you're not gonna be like that big lump Montgomerie with the media, are you - after what he did to us in here, and to 50 million Americans (story here - Ed)? Give us a break Shaun, this is big, maybe the biggest story in golf, you gotta tell us more..."Shaun Micheel: "I can't talk about the technology, I told you, it's still a secret... please guys, don't ride me so hard..." CNN: "OK, you can't talk about the technology, but what item of clothing is it? At least you can tell us that." Shaun Micheel: (looks frantically around the room again, and spots a middle-aged man at the back, who nods at him) "I guess that's OK... but it's a little embarrassing... I don't really like..." CNN: "Shaun, no-one's gonna laugh, you just won the PGA for Chrissakes, they only wanna know what it was that transformed your game, that made you a hero for all the nobodies out there..." Shaun Micheel: "Underpants! It's underpants! (the press room erupts in laughter) See? Now you're all laughing, I knew it..." CNN: (wiping tears of laughter from his eyes) "How do underpants change your game Shaun? I change my underpants every day, but I'm still a lousy golfer!" (more laughter) Shaun Micheel: "Then you just just haven't got the right underpants, Sir." CNN: "So who makes these magic underpants for you?" Shaun Micheel: (receives another nod from the end of the room) "Gobra." [For a few moments, the press tent goes completely silent.]  ESPN: "Gobra? Ain't they the guys who made the outfit Annika wanted to wear at the Colonial? (click here for story - Ed)"Shaun Micheel: "The same." ABC Sports: "I thought they only made women's stuff." Shaun Micheel: "Listen guys, I've said enough. If you want to know more, why don't you ask the Gobra people, they're here." CNN: "Where?" Shaun Micheel: "In here, (looks towards the back again) just now... oh.. he's gone. But they're around." [At this point there is a mad rush for the door, and the room empties in a matter of seconds. Only one journalist stays behind.] The Commercial Appeal (Memphis, TN): "Sam, the folk back home in Memphis would like to hear about your round, so could you take us through it hole by hole?" Shaun Micheel: "It's Shaun. Well, I hit the fairway off the tee on No. 1. That was key. I hit a 3-wood off the tee. That's a very tough shot for me, a right-to-left hole with a left-to-right wind. That's always been just a really difficult shot for me. I had a nice, comfortable 6-iron into the green, ....." (and so on, and on... for the next ninety minutes) Editor's footnote: Following this interview, our reporters attempted to unearth a pair of the Gobra underpants, but in vain. None of other the Gobra staff players mentioned by Micheel would talk about, nor even confirm, the existence of the elusive underwear.  However, by going through the rubbish from the competitors' locker room late at night, once everyone had left Oak Hill, we were able to find a discarded box which had clearly contained the miracle garment earlier in the day. Unfortunately, even this innocuous outer packaging (pictured here) was heavily censored, so the mystery behind the remarkable performance of the underpants remains. AnyoneForTee will not sleep until the veil of secrecy is lifted.
To read our report of Day 1 of the USPGA, click here. To read our report of Day 2 of the USPGA, click here. To read our report of Day 3 of the USPGA, click here. To read our USPGA special report , click here. |
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