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USPGA Special Report |
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August 16, 2003; Source: AnyoneForTee World Exclusive! Monty shoots the lights out at PGA! - Scot arrested for possessing WMSD! - The fateful press conference in full! |
 OAK HILL. In a sensational development, the real story behind the massive power blackout that hit the north-eastern US and parts of Canada on Thursday can be revealed.Millions of people were affected by the blackouts, with multi-billion dollar losses to business and mass disruption to travel across North America. Initially the authorities blamed the blackout on three failed transmission lines in Ohio State.  On Saturday, Michehl Gent (no relation to Shaun Micheel – Ed), head of the perversely-named North American Electric Reliability Council (NERC), said: "We are fairly certain that the problem started in Ohio. We are now trying to determine why the situation was not brought under control. We will get to the bottom of this."But in a worldwide exclusive, AnyoneForTee can reveal that it was Oak Hill, not Ohio, that was to blame. After shooting 82 in the first round of the USPGA championship, Scottish golfer Colin Montgomery (Monty) exploded with rage in the press tent, when asked by a CNN reporter whether he thought he would ever win a major playing golf like that.  The notoriously temperamental and media-shy Scot, who was once docked two shots in a tournament for grounding his club in a reporter’s mouth, attempted to hurdle the table he was sitting at, to grapple with the startled reporter.Unfortunately the combination of the golfer’s portly figure and the fact that he was still wired to the Oak Hill’s sophisticated PA system via his tie microphone, caused the table to collapse and the electrical system to short-circuit. As Monty fell forward over the table and began to pummel the clearly-terrified CNN reporter, the press tent was plunged into darkness. As shouts of "Majors... I’ll give you bloody majors!" and blood-curdling sounds of a lob wedge being landed repeatedly on the reporter’s head filled the darkened tent, a sequence of events was being set off that would soon send much of North America into chaos.  As the Oak Hill generator blew, it sent a chain reaction into the Rochester, NY regional power grid, cutting power across the US eastern seaboard and neighbouring parts of Canada and sparking a major terrorist alert.
Authorities did not discover the link between the Oak Hill incident and the worst power blackout in North American history until today, by which time the hapless Scot had left the country after missing the cut by eight shots with a 16 over par total of 156.However, tipped off by AnyoneForTee, Monty was arrested as he disembarked from a British Airways jet at London Heathrow airport yesterday in a combined US Department of Homeland Security and British Intelligence raid.  The golfer has been charged with jeopardising the security of the US and with the additional, more serious felony of possessing weapons of mass self-destruction (WMSD), after a search of his golf bag found the clubs responsible for Monty’s first-round 82.As he was led away, an increasingly unstable and irascible Monty, who had blamed mobile phones for his first-round debacle, even though none had gone off (click here for story) yelled... "I told you one day I’d shoot the lights out at a Major..." At the request of the US and UK authorities, AnyoneForTee has provided the full text of Colin Montgomery’s interview after his first round 82, which was to lead to the US power-cuts. We publish the conference in its entirety below: Monty: "I'd like to thank all of you for your help, I've had a great day. Bloody…great." Sky News: "Er, what did we do, Colin?" Monty: "Nothing... absolutely nothing... it was wonderful. I can't thank you enough. Thank you for being here. I love the media. You have a right to be alive. Almost."  NBC: "You seem a bit testy Colin. To what do you attribute your score today?"Monty: "82 shots. None of them much good. Why do you ask?" NBC: "Well… our viewers would like to know… what went wrong?" Monty: "Typical. Always focusing on the bloody negative. What about my good shots? How about the final putt on the 18th - left-to-right, sharp break, downhill?" NBC: "It was from two inches.." Monty: "Made it, though, didn’t I?" NBC: "Fair point. So what happened on the other 81 shots?" Monty: "Did your mother know your father for more than one night?" NBC: "Excuse me?" Monty: "Mobiles..." NBC: "What????" Monty: "Mobile phones." NBC: "Oh sorry, I guess you mean 'cellphones'..." Monty: "Possibly. Can't you speak the language properly in this country?" NBC: "Er...sorry. What about cellph... mobile phones?" Monty: "They kept going off. On the tee. While I was putting. While I was three-putting (sound of mobile phone going off). See? Even now!" AnyoneForTee: "But Monty, I followed your whole round today. Every one of your... 82... shots. I never heard a phone go off once." Monty: "That's not the point, is it? I knew they [the spectators] had them and any moment one might go off - that's even worse than when one does." Golf Today: "Don’t you think that you may be starting to imagine things?"  Monty: "Not at all. I can see it all in my own mind. I kept waiting for one to go off. On every iron, every bunker shot… just as I took the club back, I’d stop... and listen. I know what American galleries are like. I'd be addressing my drive or standing over a three-foot putt and I'd be expecting to hear the theme tune to Mrs Doubtfire on a ring tone. It’s the bells... those damn bells..."Psychiatry Today: "Don’t you think you’re being a little paranoid?" Monty: "Not at all, it’s just that everyone is against me..." NBC: "What your approach for tomorrow?" Monty: "I’ll need to shoot around 54. That should be good enough to make the cut." CNN: "54? As 82s go, would you say today’s was one of your best?" Monty: "I’m quite prepared to make it 83, you nasty little piece of vermin..." Coping with Failure Journal (CFJ): "I’d like to explore how you feel right now Colin… about today’s round, about yourself and about coping with future Majors?"  Monty: "I didn't play very well. I admit it. But I’m relaxed about it. Really… relaxed. And I'm not worried about never... never... never ever ever... ever... not even once in my life... god just once... never winning a major."CNN: "Let’s face it Monty, with a game like your’s, do you think you can ever win a pitch and putt contest, let alone a Major?.................." [Footnote: At this point, the press conference descended into chaos as Monty’s face reddened like a genetically-modified tomato and he commenced his assault on the CNN reporter. See our story above for full details]. To read our report of Day 1 of the USPGA, click here. To read our report of Day 2 of the USPGA, click here. To read our report of Day 3 of the USPGA, click here. To read our report of Day 4 of the USPGA, click here. |
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