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USPGA Report - Day 2 |
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August 15, 2003; Source: AnyoneForTee Oh no! Another unknown major victor in the pipeline as... what's his name.. leads PGA after Day 2 |
Written and researched by Anne Onnymus, AfT’s unknown US correspondent OAK HILL. The world’s leading golf authorities have called a crisis meeting to deal with the mounting problem of unknown players winning the Majors after... Sam... Stan... Sean... (Shaun Micheel - Ed) took the lead at the halfway stage of the 85th USPGA at Oak Hill.The USPGA and its European counterpart the European PGA are deeply concerned that... Michael Stans (Shaun Micheel – Ed) will go on to win the tournament, thus becoming the second successive unknown player to win a major. It is believed to be considering easing the pin positions and widening the cup on Sunday to ensure the top players have a fair chance of winning.  Last month, equally unknown fellow American, Billy... Bob... Blair... Witch Project (Ben Curtis! – Ed) won the Open at Sandwich, stunning the golfing world and in the process forcing panic-stricken golf writers and television commentators to search PGA archives for details about the player – and still not finding anything!Golf authorities fear that television spectators will turn off in their millions if household names like Tiger Woods and Phil Mickleson continue to fall back and overnight wonders like Seamus Meatloaf stay ahead of the pack.  "First it was Tony Curtis winning the Sandwich Open and thinking it was cheese on rye and now some Irish unknown called Mick Eels leading ours," wailed a USPGA official. "We’re obviously setting up the courses too harshly for the good players to have a chance. It’s like that Frenchman, John Van the Welder who nearly won the Open a few years when a hurricane was blowing and even the grass on the greens was allowed to grow to six feet. Thank God he went in the water on the 18th and that... Larry Paul won instead.”One consolation for officials is that British Open winner Curtains Benn won’t be taking part this weekend, having shot a second round 76 to go with an earlier 75 and missing the cut by three strokes in only his second major. "I’ve still got a 50% success record in Majors, that’s a damn sight higher than Tiger’s," a drawn Curtains told AnyoneForTee. The golfer’s eventful summer will continue next week when he plays in the NEC Invitational and gets married after Saturday’s round.  So who’s the lucky bride? "Damn it, you know I can’t remember... Mrs Curtains I suppose," the clearly embarrassed golfer stammered. "That’s the problem being an unknown, you can’t recall a damn thing about yourself – and nor can anyone else. Just hope I can remember the church..." To help out television viewers worldwide and ensure that golfing correspondents are not embarrassed by their lack of knowledge should an unknown triumph on Sunday, AnyoneForTee has prepared an exclusive guide to the second round leader and other lesser known golfers in the top 10 after Day 2, and assessed their prospects for the weekend:  Chad Campbell: With a name like Chad, Campbell has to be from Florida. Official PGA site says he hails from Texas but what do they know about unknown golfers? And besides, it never hails in Texas. Will Chad be missing on Sunday? Or will it be a case of Chad hanging in? Or a swinging Chad? Not to be confused with: Michael Campbell from New Zealand, who is even less well known, especially outside his Kiwi hometown of Whataputter (population: 64 humans, 15,064 sheep).Unknown factor: 4/10 - Odds of winning: 7/10  Rod Pampling: Named after his father’s fishing equipment in Queensland, Australia, which explains his tendency for wild hooks. Badly spoiled by his parents, Pampering gives his US residence as Flower Mount, Tx, which is where his challenge will end on Sunday. Wife Angela is a clinical psychologist, which ensures she sorts out his worst lies. Not to be confused with: Rod Stewart; the Pamplona bullrun; The Scarlet Pimpernel.Unknown factor: 8/10 - Odds of winning: 2/10  Tim Herron: A bird this big will never fly and that sums up Herron’s prospects come Sunday. Official PGA site says his school nickname was “Lumpy” and his hobby is ice fishing. At 210 pounds, hasn’t got any less lumpy and clearly not the brightest of players, as anyone knows it’s easier to find ice in the freezer. Herons are large wading birds, which sums up his likelihood of finding the water come Sunday while the main challengers stay dry. Not to be confused with: Tiny Tim.Unknown factor: 5/10 - Odds of winning: 4/10  Tom Pernice: Who? All-conference wrestler in high school, which with a name that sounded like Bernice, caused him all sorts of problems but at least enabled him to get to grips with his golf game and explains his partiality for Boston crabs. Plays out of Bear Creek Golf Club but it’s bare cheek that could see him still in the race down the straight. AnyoneForTee’s top tip among the unknowns (which should ensure he shoots 84 on Day 3 to slip into further oblivion), Bernice Toms is no relation to David Toms, also an unknown when he won the 2001 PGA. Not to be confused with: Tom Hanks; Tom Watson; Bourbon on ice.Unknown factor: 10/10 - Odds of winning: 8/10  Jose Coceros: The most romantic tale among all the unknowns. With a name that sounds like "Cock Eros", Jose just has to be Latin. Indeed, he comes from Argentina, where (the official USPGA site informs us) he was one of 11 children in a two-bed home, giving him an early handicap of 5.5 (per bed). Legend has it that he took up golf when one brother cut branches off a tree and fashioned a club (clearly a one wood). The USPGA site says that he started playing by hitting rocks but we understand he is getting more distant since changing to a Titleist. Speaks little English and when he won the Worldcom Classic held up a a hand-made pillowcase that said: "For my family and my friends and for all the Argentineans, a million thanks." Don’t expect any more pillow talk come Sunday afternoon. Not to be confused with: Jose Maria Olazabal; San Jose.Unknown factor (out of 10 and outside Argentina and the Buenos Aires pillow factory): 8/10 - Odds of winning: 1/10  Sean... Shaun Micheel: Our second round leader was awarded the 1994 Sons of Confederate Veterans Award for Bravery after saving two people from a sinking car while at a golf tournament in North Carolina. While it turned out to be a false alarm caused by Craig Stadler and John Daly sharing a burger in the front seat, Micheel was still given the award. After all, would you go into a crowded car when Stadler and Daly were feeding? Will need all that courage – and more - come Sunday, when he’ll need to be sinking putts not cars. Not to be confused with: Ernie Eels, Sean Penn, Sean Connery, Shorn Sheep.Unknown factor: 10/10 - Odds of winning: 2/10 To read our report of Day 1 of the USPGA, click here. To read our report of Day 3 of the USPGA, click here. To read our USPGA special report , click here. To read our report of Day 4 of the USPGA, click here. |
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