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Loud trouser warning must not fall on deaf ears! |
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April 24, 2005; Source: AnyoneForTee World Exclusive Leading ophthalmologist says loud trousers are a hazard to golfers! |
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UK. The spectacular collapse of Darren Clarke in the last two rounds of the recent MCI Heritage tournament in South Carolina, as well as other famous golfing disasters, has been traced by leading British eye surgeon Professor Sir Ian Ball to a little known condition of the brain's visual cortex and attributed to the Northern Irishman's unfortunate taste in trousers (below). |
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After leading the tournament by six shots with two superb opening rounds of 65, the ailing Clarke could do no better than 73 and 76 in his final two rounds, handing the tournament to his playing partner Australian Peter Lonard.  In a paper leaked to AnyoneForTee and shortly to be published in The Lancet, Professor Ball (pictured second from right, with his research team) describes the condition known as 'SQUINTS' - Severe Queasiness Under the Influence of Nauseous Trouser Syndrome - which causes spatial disorientation and, in extreme cases, nausea and vomiting and is a distant cousin of motion- or sea-sickness."Just as nausea is induced when a person is sailing a rough sea by the constantly shifting horizon's action on the brain through the eyes, so a golfer wearing loud trousers suffers nausea and disorientation when he moves his legs during the swing or simply walks down the fairway. The bold patterns tend to swim before the eyes as the colour sensitive neurons in the retina react, irritating the optic nerve and overloading the visual cortex with electrical stimuli," said Professor Ball. (See diagrams below: left, the human eye and right, detail of the retina, showing the neuron receptors) |
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 "A golfer is much safer in plain, preferably muted colours," the professor continued. "Peter Lonard's white shirt and grey trousers on the last day of the Heritage were perfectly chosen, but he too, playing with Clarke, began to suffer from the violently checked trousers and hit many bad shots. The SQUINTS condition is progressive you see. Lonard played with Clarke for the last 36 holes and while he managed a 66 in round three despite the purple checks, in the final round Darren's red shirt, yellow belt and bold stripes were affecting him too. He was lucky to win in the end." Professor Ball has been studying the influence of golf fashion on players' performance for the last ten years, ever since the day when, as a six handicapper, he was beaten in match play by a lady from North Berwick off twenty-eight to whom he was giving no shots, but who turned up for the game in a lime green blouse over a MacAlister tartan (left) skirt. "However, I realise now that I first noticed the phenomenon back in 1970, when poor old Doug Sanders missed that little putt to win the Open Championship from Jack Nicklaus. He had no chance, between his own purple outfit and shoes, and Jack's checked slacks and bright yellow sweater." "I'm very worried about Ian Poulter," said Professor Ball. "He'll never make it to the top as long as keeps wearing those clothes. Of course, he often wears sunglasses for protection, so that may help a little. Then look at Johnny Miller back in the 70's. A brilliant player in his early career, but when the fashion bug caught up with him, he was never the same again. You just can't play when your brain is confused by excessive stimuli. [See pictures below - Ed] |
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 "Jesper Parnevik is another example. The more eccentric his dress, the worse he plays. Not to mention the effect it has on his playing partners. Just ask Mark Roe about that disqualification in the 2003 Open [full story here - Ed]. He's a fine professional, but he managed to sign the wrong scorecard. Only a man suffering severe disorientation would do that - it was clearly down to Jesper's trousers (right)."AnyoneForTee understands that the paper is being discussed at the highest levels of golf's governing bodies, the R&A and the USGA, with measures likely to be taken in the near future to restrict eccentric dress. In the spirit of the game, this will probably mean including a reference to brightly patterned or coloured clothing in the "Etiquette" section of the Rules of Golf, although if this proves insufficient an actual rule with penalties attached for infringement, such as in the fourteen club rule, may be needed. "My advice to golfers is to dress conservatively," says Professor Ball. "Loud clothing, like loud speech, has no place on the golf course. Your partner - and your golf handicap - will appreciate it." |
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