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Tiger seeks to turn his game around - by going left-handed! |
November 13, 2004; Source: AnyoneForTee World ExclusiveTiger is left with no choice after President Bush demands a regime change! SOUTH KOREA. Brushing off media criticism for continually changing his swing this season, golfing great Tiger Woods today unveiled a dramatic 'tweak' in his game - he's going left-handed! The sensational change was revealed as Tiger prepared for a one-day Skins game in South Korea on Sunday. And AnyoneForTee can reveal that the change is on the express orders of newly re-elected President George W. Bush. 
The world number two is playing in the Skins against Colin Montgomerie (who has shed much of his) and local stars K.J. Choi, who is playing out of his (and whose caddie is his sister, well-known vegetarian guru Pak Choi) and LPGA player Se Ri Pak (with her caddie, Ve Ri Se Ri)."People thought I was crazy for changing my swing after I won the 1997 Masters by 12 shots. I had a pretty good run after that," Woods told an Anyone for Tee reporter cunningly disguised as a journalist for local newspaper the Seoul Searcher. "So it was time to do something equally radical. Hopefully soon, I'll play as good if not better left-handed. At least that's what the President tells me."  Woods said President George W Bush had ordered the change after monitoring the success of Phil 'Lefty' Mickleson, who won his first major at this year's US Masters and contended in all the others.  In an amazing interview in the Korean capital, Woods bared his seoul to us: "The President has a very acute analytical mind and while studying the thermal dynamics of recovering a pretzel that had fallen down the front of his warm winter vest, using his left hand, he happened to look up at the screen and notice that Phil Mickleson was also 'driving' with the same hand - though Lefty didn't have 'L' written on it like the President does, to help him tell the difference.""There's something strange about that guy's swing," the President told his chief Pretzel aide, "is he gay? A Kerry voter? Wearing Gobra sporting underpants?"  Tiger continued: "The President kept watching, enthralled. 'Oh no, he's hitting the ball backwards towards the tee!' he told his aide, 'Why doesn't someone warn him the green's the other way? This could cost him the title!' "The aide pointed out to a bemused President that Mickleson wasn't hitting the ball backwards, he was simply left-handed. "That one?" asked the President, gesturing towards the large 'L' in black felt pen on his left hand. "That one", nodded the aide, realizing he was speaking to the same world leader who yells 'three!' when he hits an errant shot as he can’t count to fore. "Wow," said the President. "Y'all reckon it works?" For the President it was as vital a discovery as the day he realized he could write the difficult 'W' letter by doing an 'M' upside down. For weeks afterwards, Bush worked closely with his top advisers, devising a left-handed 'backwards' strategy for the world.  "Just imagine what this could mean for democracy and freedom," he told White House staffers. "Saddam (also a top golfer before he reached his cell by date) would have fired those weapons of massive distraction straight back into himself instead of us if we'd taught him this backwards technique! Maybe we can teach those Iranians do the same thing with their nuclear weapons." Tiger takes up the story again: "The President said, 'Tigger - the President thinks I'm a character in the Winnie the Pooh books, still one of his favourites you know. Tigger, I want you playing backwards from now too. It'll send out a message to the world that no-one messes with the United Statutes of Appalachia, or they'll end up going back where they started from...' ""I didn't understand a word, but he is the President," continued Tiger. "If he can do things backwards, even upside down [see picture above - Ed], why not me? My game had been going backwards and into the bushes for months anyway so I decided I may as well go the whole way."  "And as soon as I saw I was playing against Monty in the Skins game, I decided to go public with it - I always knew I could beat him playing left-handed anyway. But the President is sure to be watching me closely, so I want to play well for him."As our exclusive picture (left) shows, President Bush did indeed fly specially and in secret to the demilitarized zone in Korea to observe Tiger's performance during the practice days, and watched through powerful field-glasses. He is reported to have told aides aboard Air Force One on the flight home "I can see nothing to stop Tigger winning." However, one of Tiger's major sponsors has been left with an awkward dilemma. Innovative international sports underwear producer Gobra has scored outstanding commercial success with its 'Tiger Line' briefs which are designed for the golfer who... swings to the right in the anatomical, rather than golfing, sense.  Intensive studies by the Gobra research and development team had confirmed that the right-handed golfer's more delicate parts also swing to the right as the torso and shoulder turns in the backswing. The Gobra Tiger Line underwear (pictured left) is therefore specifically developed to limit additional body movement and help keep Tiger's balls in play. "We're going to have the scrap the whole production run now," said a clearly frustrated Gobra Chairman and Chief Executive Joseph King. "There's nothing for it except to redesign our underpants so Tiger can swing to - as well as from - the left. Unless..., of course..., he wears them back to front! Now there's an idea..." Postscript to this story: November 14, 2004; Source: AnyoneForTee Monty defeats Tiger in Skins game!  SOUTH KOREA. Scotland's Colin Montgomerie has sensationally beaten a left-handed Tiger Woods in the charity Skins game at Raon Golf Club on the Korean island of Jeju. Monty won nine skins to Tiger's five, winning US$ 75.000, with Tiger and Korean PGA star KJ Choi each winning US$51.000, while Korean LPGA star Se Ri Pak had to pak up and leave with nothing. All the winnings will go to local charities. Woods was typically gracious after his defeat, congratulating Monty on his win. "We had a blast out there. We talked a lot, especially now that Monty is dating a model [Supermodel and 'face' of Lancôme, Ines Sastre - Ed]. I reminded him I'd done the same and of course Elin and I have just got married." But did playing left-handed handicap Tiger during the game? "It was a little tough to begin, but I'm really pleased with the way I played. I feel my game is coming together well, even left-handed, and I'm looking forward to 2005." Tiger's revolutionary switch from right- to left-handed was made at the request of President George W. Bush. After hearing of Tiger's defeat at the hands of Monty, the President was unavailable for comment, although aides said he was "feeling a bit of a turkey over the incident." Not a man to waver once his mind is made up however, the President is expected to ask Tiger to continue left-handed and "show the world the superiority of American strategic thinking and policy."
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