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Prowl car cop nearly shoots Tiger! |
August 1, 2004; Source: AnyoneForTee World ExclusiveApollo mission nearly ends in tragedy with Tiger about to get shots from a 28-handicap patrolman! By Anyone For Tee’s Wild Life Reporter 'Big' Gay M. Hunter |
NEW YORK. The world’s top golfer, Tiger Woods, narrowly escaped death in New York this weekend, after a confused policeman reacted nervously to reports of an escaped tiger in town. The near miss happened after a real tiger, a white circus animal called Apollo, alarmed New York picnickers and motorists Saturday on a half-mile stroll through an unfamiliar urban jungle that was hardly paw for the course. The 7-year-old, 450-pound tiger was part of the Cole Bros Circus that had been performing in Forest Park, Queens, before deciding to take in some of the sights of New York. "There’s a live tiger escaped from the woods,’ said the NYPD in all-stations alert, after bystanders – and once they saw the tiger there weren’t many – called in for help. "He is pawed and dangerous. If he looks likely to endanger any person he should be shot on sight." Unfortunately, static on his line, meant young, partially-deaf and none too bright patrolman Joe Piscini (left, on traffic duty), who was in the mid-Park area of Central Park at the time, only caught the words... "There’s a live tiger... woods... dangerous. If he looks likely to endanger any person, he should be shot on sight."Bored with trying to prevent more incidents of the ice cream snatching that has plagued New York this summer – especially on Coney Island – the 24 year old Piscini realized he was onto bigger game. Shooting a tiger was guaranteed to earn him a few stripes, he figured. But within seconds of the radio call, the ambitious young patrolman’s thoughts were distracted by what sounded like three pistol shots, followed by the muffled screams of a man and a woman.  Racing through the trees, Piscini came across a panic-stricken young woman (right) crouched over her partner who was bleeding profusely from his forehead from what looked like a 44 Magnum wound. That’s a lot of ice cream snatching, Piscini first thought, before realising this Magnum was the real thing. He radioed for help. "Man down in Central Park. Apparent gunshot to the head. I need back-up..." Looking around anxiously, Piscini was startled to spot his long-time hero, Tiger Woods, some 350 yards away in a clearing, pounding what appeared to be a rifle into the ground and then throwing it into the trees to hide the evidence. So that’s what they meant by a dangerous tiger on the loose, Piscini realized! A keen 28-handicapper in the NYPD’s golfing chapter, Piscani knew all about Tiger’s recent troubles in not winning a major. The pressure had finally gotten to him.Carried on the warm August westerly wind, he heard the world number one cursing. It sounded like: "Goddamn it, I keep slicing them... I can’t help myself." Piscini radioed again, this time more urgently. "Suspect may have machete too... am gonna have to take him out. Oh my god, he’s reaching for the weapon again." "Help is on its way," came the reply. "Are you safe patrolman Piscini? Repeat. Are you safe? Stay out of his range until help arrives."  "Yes. Safe. I’m 350 yards away from suspect and at least a hundred yards away to the left of where he’s aimi......... aaaaaaaaaggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh.""Patrolman Piscini, Patrolman Piscini... do you read me? Repeat do you read me?" But the only sound the controller heard was an anguished far-away cry of "Aw no, a goddamn duck hook..." Minutes later, as the world number one strolled down the lush green grass of Central Park, he was startled to come across the prone body of a policeman with a Nike golf ball embedded in his left ear. On the young man’s radio, he was concerned to hear the words: "Shoot suspect on sight. He’s armed with a rifle, a machete and one of these meat hooks from a Chinese restaurant." 150 yards to the right, he saw a bloodied man stumbling towards him with what looked like a blood-stained bandanna, crying out "Tiger, would you mind autographing my tourniquet..."  Tiger heard the sound of people scurrying to the bushes in the left. More goddamn reporters. "Put your hands up Tiger or we’ll shoot..."He dived for cover as he heard the crack of around 40 shots... it sounded just like his back nine at Shinnecock Hills... Postscript: Tiger Woods was released from NYPD custody last night safe and well apart from severe grass burns on his face and knees. He has agreed to pay the hospital bills and related expenses of Patrolman Joe Piscini and for a reverse lobotomy for golf fan Chad Hollow of Syracuse, NY. He has also agreed to limit his practising in Central Park to chipping only and will attend an errant driver’s course founded by Severiano Ballesteros and Ian Baker-Finch.  Anyone For Tee can also reveal that Apollo was safely recaptured in the Queens section of the city and is once again behind bars – but not before the sight of him on the Jackie Robinson Parkway caused a multi-car accident. Four adults and one child suffered minor injuries in the pile-up. When the tiger lay down on a nearby street, six police officers with guns drawn created a perimeter around it. A passing businessman – a Mr Butch Harmon who claimed expertise in the matter - arrived and coaxed him back into his cage. "They did some type of signal, and the tiger jumped into the cage," NYPD Captain John Durkin (pictured right, talking to AFT after the incident) said. "Boy did they work well together. That big old tiger just went back on the straight and narrow."Patrolman Piscini has been relegated to ice cream patrol at Coney island for the foreseeable future until he licks the problem. A disappointed Captain Durkin said: "The boy will never make Major... and nor will Piscini." |
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