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Kuehne fulfils high expectorations |
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April 28, 2003; Source: AnyoneForTee.com Newcomer Kuehne only spitting distance from PGA Shell Houston title - leads Phlegmish Masters Order of Merit |
 HOUSTON. Big-hitting 28 year old Hank Kuehne was salivating at the thought of his first PGA tour victory in only 25 starts as he came onto the 18th tee of Redstone Golf Club on Sunday afternoon. Fighting it out down the stretch with veterans Mark Calcavecchia and Fred Couples, and against the advice of the TV pundits, he pulled out his driver and unleashed another 300 plus yard drive - into the lake on the left. He spat on the ground in disgust.After a penalty drop and a flob wedge over the green, he did well to get up and down in two for a bogey and a share of second place, but his high expectorations had come to nothing. As the CBS announcer put it "Hank was spitting mad". "I lost it on the tee at 18," he said afterwards. "I was dredging hard, but the pressure was on, and my mouth was dry. It was a pathetic effort. I can usually get it out there fifteen, twenty feet after a good drive, but that one almost stuck on my toe-caps." "I guess he choked," said one onlooker who had followed Kuehne all day, "up till then, he was spitting it out real solid all day, like real consistent you know, after every shot, real fat beauties."  But he needn't worry. A telephone poll of TV viewers has confirmed that CBS' close-up coverage has allowed Kuehne to leap straight to the top of the new AnyoneForTee "Phlegmish Masters" Order of Merit, open to regular and conspicuous spitters on the world's professional golf tours. With fellow high-profile hawkers David Duval and Tiger Woods sitting out the Houston Open, Kuehne (pronounced Keen-ee) has already taken a serious option on the 2003 title.Kuehne's outstanding performance already has the golfing establishment worried.  AnyoneForTee understands that the Open Championship Committee are considering installing spittoons on every tee for this year's Open at Royal St. George's, Sandwich. "We were already thinking about it for former Champions Duval and Woods, but with spitting of this calibre, we could be awash if we don't take the appropriate measures", said an R&A spokesman.For the record, a 'Decision on the Rules of Golf' has already been introduced in the face of an increasing tide of saliva on our links. "I don't know that we really wanted such a decision in the 2002 book, but we felt this was a situation which had to be dealt with," said Grant Moir of the R&A. The decision stipulates that saliva can be treated either as "an abnormal ground condition (Rule 25-1)" or "a loose impediment (Rule 23-1)". Under the first option, the player whose next shot is impeded by the spittle may drop away from it under the same conditions applicable to casual water. In the second option, the player is entitled to remove the offending slime, remembering, of course, that if the ball is moved in the process a penalty shot is incurred.  Although not currently explicit in the rules, spitting, according to PGA Tour Commissioner Tim Finchem, is poor etiquette; "It's also not sanitary," he said.Just in case you missed it, the tournament was won by the normally phlegmatic Fred Couples - his first victory in five years. Overcome with emotion after his final putt, Freddie let the tears flow, but - mercifully - kept his saliva to himself. |
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