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Saddam's WMDs found - in a bunker! |
May 3, 2004; Source: AnyoneForTee World ExclusiveSaddam's weapons of mass destruction found - rumours of lethal 'Big Bertha' confirmed! By AFT's Middle East Correspondent Mustapha Phagg IRAQ. Triumphant American authorities have discovered what they believe to be toppled Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein’s weapons of mass destruction (WMD) – a set of golf clubs! At a packed press conference in Baghdad tonight, top US military officials and Paul Bremer, Administrator of the Coalition Provisional Authority, proudly showed off the sensational find.  The clubs were allegedly discovered buried deep in a bunker (left, being repaired after the excavations) on the 9th hole of Baghdad’s only golf course – the Saddam Hussein Golf & Country Club, famous in the days of the Baathist regime for having the world's most exclusive membership roll - just one, naturally, Saddam himself.(The dictator's deceased sons, Uday and Qusay Hussein, had been permitted Five Day membership status at the Club, but excluded on weekends. Saddam apparently felt it was important his sons not become totally fixated by golf, for fear that they would neglect other vital skills such as torture, rape, and live shooting practice.)   "Ladies and gentlemen, this is truly an historic moment in the history of the free world," said a beaming Bremer, pointing to a diamond-encrusted 'Bling' belly-putter and the latest Gobra 'Twin-Cup' driver with gold inserts, all bearing the lettering ‘SH – you da man’ clearly engraved on the shafts. "We believe today’s find is just the tip of the iceberg and there’s more where this comes from – perhaps even a full set," said Bremer (left). "Our forensic experts have also uncovered a driver in the lake near the 8th tee – dental records show it may be Saddam’s chauffeur and part-time caddy. That underlines the terrible atrocities he was prepared to inflict on his own people – especially when they messed up on club selection." Further finds include what the Americans are describing as a long-range missile firer – a Great Big Bertha II 415 Titanium Driver – which Bremer said proved once and for all Saddam’s capacity to hit Israel – at least with a strong tail wind."Our local sources have confirmed that Saddam had a powerful long game," Bremer told Anyone For Tee. "This is in clear breach of an earlier UN resolution that he would limit himself to short range missiles, basically nothing bigger than a 9 iron."  US authorities hope their discovery will reverse the growing tide of criticism over the coalition decision to invade Iraq. President George Bush broke off from playing in a celebrity pro-am in Florida with his favourite pro, ‘Swinging Chad’ Campbell, to make a special state of the nation address to announce the find.He said: "My fellow Americans - pause a moment and look authoritative - oh no, I'm not supposed to read out the bits in red, am I... My fellow Americans - we caught Saddam like a rat in a trap, now we've found his weapons in a trap, and soon we’ll have his balls trapped too."  He continued: "Our security people have discovered that Saddam had developed Titleless balls which were packed with deadly explosives and mustard gas. He was planning to use them to bombard Israel; he could have ruined my pretzels, eliminated Israel and destroyed the heart of Texas if he caught the shot clean. We have evidence to suggest that one of his shots was aimed at my local church while I was attending a service – so you see, he was indeed going to commit acts of mass destruction." (Our picture at right shows a US soldier posing with one of the lethal converted Titleless balls.) Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld also commented on the find, and its implication in the ongoing hunt for WMD, and referred to the Bush Administration's refusal to accept the earlier conclusions of the UN's chief weapons inspector, Hans Blix.  "Reports that say that something hasn't happened are always interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns - the ones we don't know we don't know. Saddam's weapons were a known unknown, up until now. Now they're a known known." Details are already emerging about the dictator’s [Saddam not Bush] love of golf. He played off scratch and had won the Baath Party Annual Medal for 35 consecutive years – helped greatly by the fact that his fellow finalists frequently ran up huge scores on the final holes if they found out they were in the lead coming down the stretch. As one former party member revealed, on condition of anonymity: "Normally you're pleased to be getting shots off your opponent - but not from the President!" Answering questions about the find tonight on Al-Arabiya television, former Iraqi Information Minister and Saddam's official spokesman Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf - better known since his performances during the war as 'Comical Ali' - would only say: "I suppose you think that's funny?"Editor's note: Saddam (below left, after his capture) is not the first dictator to have been a keen golfer. Adolf Hitler famously died in a bunker, and several other senior Nazis failed to get out after several shots. More recently, Fidel Castro has regularly trodden the links, and once counted Che Guevara (below centre, putting, as Castro watches) among his golfing partners. And North Korea's Kim Jong-Il (below right, with his generals) is, of course, the holder of the all time lowest score for 18 holes on a full-sized golf course - a brilliant 38 under par 34, recorded in 1994, and the only time the Dear Leader ever played the game. Having broken every scoring record in the book, he felt there was no point in continuing with golf, and turned his attention to other skills, such as wining and dining in luxury with his cronies while starving his fellow countrymen. (You can read the full story, complete with pictures, of the Dear Leader's great round here.)  |
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