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Golfers get that sinking feeling! | ||||||
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September 28, 2003; Source: AnyoneForTee Terror stalks the links as global warming causes fairway collapses and bunkers to turn to quicksand! By AnyoneForTee's Science Correspondent Pat Pending | ||||||
EUROPE. Continued global warming is turning bunkers across Europe's finest golf courses into quicksand and causing fairways to collapse, AnyoneForTee has learned. The shock scientific findings were revealed amid near-tragedy at last week's German Masters when a green subsided as UK golfing star Ian Poulter was lining up a putt (pictured). As he crouched down to read the line of a 12 foot left to right breaker, the sloping putt proved more downhill than expected as the ground began to crumble beneath Poulter. While the terrain collapse offered a perfect ground-level view of the putt, which he duly made, the next thing to fall away was Poulter's confidence as his game crumbled like the soil to finish joint third behind winner KJ Choi of South Korea."I can handle soft greens but this is ridiculous," a bitterly disappointed Poulter complained after the round from the press tent thirty feet below ground. "It's totally eroding my putting stroke. The way things are heading, I'll be playing in the Australian Open without even needing to fly there."  An even more terrifying menace is affecting European bunkers, we can reveal. Accelerated warming over the past two decades is melting the polar ice-caps, which in turn raises the water-tables and erodes the sub-soil beneath the bunkers on many of Europe's courses, turning the sand into a soft, gooey mess. (See diagram at right - click to enlarge.) The result is a quicksand-like effect which is already understood to have claimed several lives in pro-ams. Because the bodies had disappeared beneath the ground, the players have only been described as missing, leading to allegations of a PGA cover-up. But now the crisis is worsening. European star Colin Montgomery was dramatically submerged to his ample waist (pictured) in a recent tournament. Fortunately for the organisers, the notoriously temperamental Monty failed to notice what was happening, simply ascribing the effect to too many jam doughnuts at breakfast that morning. Swearing at his latest caddie, Monty was heard muttering... "I'll need to get up and dooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwnnnnnnnnn from here." Although refusing to publically acknowledge AnyoneForTee's courageous underground reporting, the European PGA is understood to be seriously worried. "Someone's going to get killed out there," said one senior official on condition of anonymity. "It's got to the stage where we can't invite John Daly or Darren Clarke to any of our tournaments. We nearly lost poor Craig Stadler earlier this year (pictured left). And what's going to happen at the Welsh Open? Half the field could end up in a mine shaft!" The same official confirmed that as a precautionary measure, an emergency European PGA tour rule has been introduced in secret calling for all bunkers to be fitted with lifebuoys (right), bringing a whole new dimension to the term "sand saves".As first reported by AnyoneForTee earlier this year (in a story scorned by the PGA but now turning out to be true), golf courses are particularly vulnerable to global warming due to the excessive natural gas emissions from the world's ever-rising golfing population. An advisor to the US Environmental Protection Agency told AFT: "At any one time of day, we estimate there as many as 5 million golfers crouched over a putt. The combination of an unnatural posture, tight trousers plus putting anxiety leads to an enormous number of natural emissions, which we are now calling the 'green trouse-rs' effect." To read our original...ground-breaking...story, click here. | ||||||
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