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Nostradamus predicts Masters winner!

April 10, 2005; Source: AnyoneForTee World Exclusive
Undiscovered manuscript reveals secret of 2005 Masters! Bookies said to be "in despair".

US. Sporting historians believe they already know the winner of this year's Masters at Augusta after the accidental discovery of a set of papers belonging to 16th century prophet Nostradamus.

Michel de Nostredame, better known as Nostradamus, was born in 1503 by a 9-hole pitch and putt course in St Remy de Provence, France and was the world's leading seer and time traveller. He also was adept in astrology, astronomy and golf, which he gave up after failing to predict an incurable dose of the putting yips, the only blight on his otherwise outstanding career.

His followers credit him with predicting the French Revolution, the birth and rise to power of Hitler, the assassination of John F. Kennedy, the great Fire of London and the opening of supermarket giant Walmart's latest store in Wichita, Kansas. His prophetic vision came in 942 cryptic quatrains which are organised into 'Centuries' - groups of one hundred quatrains. [Editor's note: one such 'Century' contained only 42 quatrains, when Nostradamus unexpectedly rain out of ink for his quill as his publisher was going to press.]

Now, buried in a hitherto unexplored crypt in Montmartre, Paris, workers have discovered a 943rd. And Anyone For Tee, called in after local academics failed to make any sense of its analogies, has proclaimed it a direct reference to the 2005 Masters. By special agreement, we can publish selected excerpts that offer a clear indicator of this year's winner.

On the last day, the sky will roar above the fields of the south,
As a forest bearing the name of a great striped animal
Stalks the ground and paws its prey.
Mercy will there be none and the blood will flow.
The bullets of white will be fired
With terrible accuracy
Into the holes in the earth,
That number four score minus eight.
In the fifth year of a new century the king will reclaim his throne,
Though his enemies will come to claim it.
Darkened men from far-off islands will no longer sing,
And from the north, the hands of the left will be vanquished too.
A false pretender to the throne,
A Christ-like figure with the mark of power on his brow,
Will be smote with weapons of steel
And banished forever into the lake with the sinking boat of the Viking.
The beast shall reign again,
All dressed in the colour of the fields he conquered.
A furry giant of fairest hue will smile
And say my lair is forever thine.

Explaining the complex symbolism inherent in the latest quatrains, Anyone For Tee's resident astrologer Krystal Ball (right) said: "It takes years of study to be able to unravel the true meaning of these ancient writings but we believe this to be a clear reference to the 2005 Masters at Augusta. Note the allusion to the 'fields of the south' and the 'holes in the earth that number four score minus eight" – a clear reference to the 72-hole strokeplay format that the Masters is played under.

Ms Ball continued: "The most difficult part was in understanding the reference to a "forest bearing the name of a great striped animal" – baffling to anyone except the most experienced Nostradamus reader. But I believe it to be a clear allusion to Tiger ('a great striped animal' - for that is indeed what they are where they have not been hunted to extinction for their use in the new Hugh Hefner pyjama line) and Woods (think about it... 'a forest')."

Ms Ball believes 'the darkened men from far-off islands...' is a clear reference to Fijian Vijay Singh and 'from the north, the hands of the left...' is a pointer to Canadian southpaw Mike Weir. She continued: "'A Christ-like figure with the mark of power on his brow...' must be Chris de Marco and the 'sinking boat of the Viking...' a reference to a failed last-day charge by Dane Thomas Bjorn."

Nostradamus was clearly signifying that Tiger Woods would once again don the green jacket ('All dressed in the colour of the fields he conquered'), Ms Ball said, while 'A furry giant of fairest hue' is a fond prediction of the legendary 'Golden Bear' Jack Nicklaus (pictured right), realising he has a worthy modern-day successor.

Explaining how the French prophet would have alighted on golf when he usually majored in war and pestilence, Ms Ball told Anyone For Tee: "Few people know it but he actually had a good nose (left) for a sporting story – in fact his parents nearly called him Nostril Damus, as noses ran in the family, especially during the cold season."

Casper the Ghost (above) and Casper the Golfer

Casper the Ghost (above) and Casper the Golfer

Anyone For Tee believes the latest discovery to be genuine and urges readers to rush to the bookmakers and stake their entire mortgages on a Tiger Woods victory. However, other spurious claims from would-be prophets should be written off. For example, former Reagan Adminstration astrologist and now a Special Advisor to US Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld on likely locations for weapons of mass destruction, Miss Claire Voyant, was sacked earlier in the week after claiming she had 'seen' the winner of this year's Masters. "I see a ghost..." she told the hushed AnyoneForTee executive committee at a meeting in a darkened room, "it's white, and very, very friendly...and it's wielding a putter...lots of times in fact.... it's... it's... it's... Casper!!!"

Editor's note: 1970 Masters Champion Billy Casper was disqualified from this year's Masters after shooting an all-time high 34 over par 106 in the first round [including a 14 on the par 3 16th - Ed] and declining to sign his card.

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