March 10, 2005; Source: AnyoneForTee
Monty is taken to tusk by animal welfare groups following elephant revelations!
By our Dietary Correspondent Anna Recksick
DUBAI, UAE. European Ryder Cup star Colin Montgomerie is at the centre of a mammoth scandal after revealing the sensational dietary secret behind his recent weight-loss.
 At a press-conference after finishing fourth in the Dubai Desert Classic and moving up to 56th in the world rankings, tantalisingly close to a coveted spot in the world's top 50, Monty confirmed he has lost 15kg since mid-2004. "Basically I'm on the Atkins diet," he explained. "But I was bored with chicken, and I wanted to keep away from beef to keep an eye on my cholesterol, so a girlfriend recommended I go for elephant instead. She had already tried it, and it's absolutely delicious when it's well prepared you know."
Monty's remarks caused an instant furore among numerous pressure groups worldwide, from the famous Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (RSPCA) to the less well-known Society for Controlling Appetites for Large Pachyderms (SCALP), who were unanimous in their condemnation of the practice of elephant eating.
 "He should be ashamed of himself," said Mrs Doris Greenfinger, spokesperson for the Surbiton Trust for Elephant Welfare and the Preservation Of Terrapins (STEWPOT). "Doesn't he know that these wonderful beasts are already being hunted to near-extinction for their ivory, without overweight, overpaid sportsmen chasing them around to lose a few pounds and look better for their clothing sponsors? I'll bet he's a closet terrapin eater too."
"Elephants are among the most intelligent and kind of all creatures, and have an acute sense of loyalty," claimed Eleanor van der Post of the Johannesburg-based Ecologists Against the Terrorising and Murder of Elephants (EATME). "This is no way to treat one of man's closest friends in the animal kingdom. It's a cruel, unnatural act to eat an elephant, I really don't know how he can do it and look himself in the mirror in the morning."
 Monty, however, was unrepentant when challenged about his new diet. "I can do it. It's just I have to have it bite by bite, you know. It's possible. You can eat an elephant, but you have to do it bite by bite. You can't do it all in one go," he said.
Sound advice indeed, clearly reflecting the words of leading German nutritionist Heinz Füller-Bienz, a consultant to European Captain Bernhard Langer at the 2004 Ryder Cup. "Elephant meat is one of the most nutritious forms of protein we know," he said. "It has been eaten for tens of thousands of years in most African and Asian nations. Trunks and feet are considered the choicest cuts, because the rest of the meat can be rather chewy, unless it's cooked a really long time. But even a small portion gives a huge energy boost, so it is in fact an ideal dietary choice for the high-performance sportsman or woman. This is a smart, if unpopular, move that Colin has made."
  "Indeed, it reminds me of another great golfer, Billy Casper (left)," continued Füller-Bienz. "Billy put himself on a 100% buffalo meat diet, and from that day on he won 51 PGA Tour titles, including three majors (Two US Opens and the Masters - Ed). He also took the Vardon Trophy 5 times. So be careful about writing off these unusual diets as a fad."
 Monty's biggest immediate worry is the risk of on-course demonstrations by animal rights groups, which could spark off his notoriously short temper (right). "We've already had telephone and email threats," said his manager Guy Kinnings. "Things like 'You can run but you can't hide', and 'Pack your trunk Monty'. But he's working with his sports psychologist, Hugh Mantle, and I expect him to be able to shrug off a few weirdos. He's developed a pretty thick skin of late, with everything that's been going on - perhaps the diet has something to do with it..."
  Which of his many recent girlfriends, we wondered, had tipped Monty off about the benefits of elephant meat? Could it have been one of the supermodels, Jodie Kidd (left) or Ines Sastre (right)? "I'm afraid I can't remember," said Kinnings. "You'll have to ask Monty - he's got a memory like an elephant."
 Colin would not be drawn on the subject of his dietary guru, or whether eating elephant makes a man more attractive to women, although circumstantial evidence suggests the latter may be the case (picture left). But the new regime clearly has Monty brimming with confidence and it shows in his world ranking, which has improved from 83rd to 56th since the beginning of the season. "It's very difficult to move yourself up bit by bit, it's like trying to eat an elephant," he said. "But that's not bad is it? At this rate I'll be overtaking Vijay and Tiger and becoming world number one sometime in April."
 Most people would think twice about eating elephant at all, we suggested, but is there any particular place where Monty likes to go for a pachydermic gastronomic delight? "Oh, it has to be Hong Kong," he said. "There's an entire floating restaurant there devoted to elephant (pictured right), and they do a braised trunk with bok choy that's just to die for. I can also recommend their exquisite elephant soufflé - light as a feather."
 Doesn't a daily diet of elephant get rather boring after a while? "Not a bit of it. There's a lot of meat on an elephant, and each parts lends itself to a different style of cooking," enthused Monty. And does he have a favourite recipe he might like to share with us? "I'd be happy to. I can vouch for this rather fine elephant stew, which I first had at a dinner party given by my girlfriend Joanne Baldwin. Of course, she gave it a much grander name that evening, but if you need a simple dish for a sizeable gathering and something left over to heat up again the next day for the kids, this is it." [See recipe below - Ed]
Colin Montgomerie once again looks at ease with life. The golfing world had better watch out.
Ragoût d'éléphant au phacochère et ses petits légumes (Elephant stew)
Preparation time: Three months (not including hunting)
Ingredients
- 1 medium sized elephant (skinned and boned)
- 10 warthogs (important: keep the heads and trotters on, they help to thicken the gravy)
- 1000 kg sliced tomatoes
- 2000 kg of diced carrots
- 5000 kg of sliced onions
- 5000 kg potatoes (substitute a non-carb vegetable such as leeks, alfalfa sprouts or turnips if on the Atkins Diet)
- 500 kg of button mushrooms, cooked whole
- 15 kg salt
- 100 litres vinegar
- 250 litres chutney
- Clove of garlic
- Pinch of turmeric
- Pepper to taste
- 1 heaped wheelbarrow of fresh parsley (for garnish)
- 6 guinea fowl (optional)
Method
Hunt the elephant (for best results choose African), warthog and guinea fowl. Hang guinea fowl to ripen. Cut elephant into edible chunks, (will take about a month with a normal kitchen machete). Marinate the warthogs in the vinegar and chutney for a week until most of the marinade has been absorbed. Now toss elephant and warthog chunks in a frying pan over a high flame until juices are sealed in (takes about 3 weeks for an average sized elephant). Peel, slice and dice vegetables (takes about one month - goggles are recommended while doing the onions). Place elephant, warthogs, vegetables and seasoning in a large cooking pot, and add remaining marinade. Cover with water and bring to the boil, then simmer for 5 to 7 days until elephant is perfectly tender, stirring regularly. Serve with fresh garden peas (ten gardens' worth approx.)
Note: For a stronger, gamier flavour, add the guinea fowl (plucked but NOT boned) after
three days of simmering. Remove before serving.
Serves about 3,800 - will keep in freezer for up to a year after cooking
Colin's special tip: Although using supermarket deep-frozen elephant may seem like a labour-saving idea, you will be disappointed by the flavour and texture of the result. Go for fresh produce and you can also enjoy a relaxing African bush holiday while hunting your dinner. Enjoy!
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