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Tiger to pull out of Masters?
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March 5, 2004; Source: AnyoneForTee World Exclusive
Tiger threatens to quit Masters after being paired with "freaks"!
 AUGUSTA. World number one Tiger Woods has threatened to walk out on this year’s Master’s after news leaked to him of his shock first round grouping.
 Under pressure from US TV networks keen to maximise advertising revenues, Augusta National had hatched plans to team the Tiger up with three controversial late invitees to the year’s first Major.
The identity of the trio has been a closely-guarded secret but Anyone For Tee has learned exclusively that they are Michelle Wie (top right), the 14-year old girl golfing sensation who played against the men in the Sony Open earlier this year and just missed the cut; Sean Flees (centre right), the big-hitting cloned sheep which has taken the New Zealand golfing scene by storm, and 'Limp wrist Larry' Mincer (bottom right), the star of the fledgling Gay PGA (GPGA) tour being played for the first time on the US west coast circuit this year.
TV executives had promised Augusta chairman Hootie Johnson a multi-million dollar windfall if he agreed to group Tiger with golf’s most three talked-about figures through the first two rounds.
But the American superstar accused the authorities of turning the game into a 'freak show' and jeopardising the great traditions of the Masters.
"Imagine that. Me, Tiger Woods, playing with a girl, a ruminant and a... bent... shaft!" he told Anyone For Tee. "It’s making a mockery of the game. I didn't agree with all that stuff about women and lefties that Greg [Norman - Ed] said recently, but now I can see his point of view."
 But the three rejected players are unrepentant, hoping that the 'dream team foursome' will still happen.
Mincer, a darling of the San Francisco crowds for his daringly tight pink hot pants and silver lamé boob-tube (left), told an Anyone For Tee reporter he was confident he could head off the tournament favourite.
"Tiger Woods better watch his back!" he giggled. "That cute little boy just won’t know where to look on the first tee when I bend over my ball and start my waggle! And I can’t wait go down the stretch with him. Oooh, I just hope they don’t rule me out of bounds!"
Despite the controversy over his image, Mincer reckons his game is good enough to trouble the pre-tournament favourite. "I’ve always had a smooth stroke and the other boys say I’ve got divine touch around the greens," he said. "I don't let the fans down when they shout "Get in the hole!", so it’s never been a disadvantage not being straight."
Mincer fought prejudice and lack of success on the regular tour, at one stage being forced to use a camper van rather than stay in official tour hotels. But the start of the GPGA Tour provided his big break and he has quickly turned into a cult figure, partly due to his outrageous tendency to sneak up behind fellow players and shout: "You da man!"
 His nickname 'Limp wrist Larry' refers to his habit of feebly flapping his right hand whenever he holes a putt – a contrast to the more macho punching of the air favoured by his contemporaries on the PGA tour. Anyone For Tee understands he is hoping to be paired with Craig ‘the Walrus’ Stadler or John Daly in later rounds. "He just adores flirting with the rough, the bitch," lisped his close friend and caddie Stu 'Handbags' Pendus (pictured right).
Flees, meanwhile, refused to bleat about the chances of being baa-ed from the tournament. But his manager accused Tiger Woods of race-wool prejudice. "Tiger’s just running scared," he said, "he’s simply worried about looking bad alongside a Grand Slamb winner."
Michele Wie declined to be interviewed as she was attending a maths class at the time. But Augusta authorities fear another major backlash by feminists if they don’t allow her to play. Last year’s event was tarnished by protests led by Martha Burk, Head of the National Council of Women's Organizations against Augusta’s refusal to allow women members.
 Fans of Larry were already arriving at Augusta and queuing to see their idol play (picture left), provoking sharp debate among the Masters committee. "Last year it was Martha, now it's Mincer," said a member who declined to be named. "We've really got our backs against the wall, but we have to refuse entry to these people. Otherwise they'll be camping all over the place, hoping to catch a glimpse of him."
Wie, Flees and Mincer are understood to have played a secret practice round together at Augusta yesterday. According to local sources Sean ate up the course on the back nine but the authorities hope to have new turf in place by next week.
Mincer, meanwhile, declined to comment on his practice round, but said he was supremely confident ahead of the greatest challenge of his golfing life. "My biggest worry is what to wear for the prize ceremony," he told Anyone For Tee. "I've been thinking about my pink thong with the ostrich feather hat. I always go down well with my friends in that, and I reckon a green jacket will set it off just perfectly, don't you?"
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