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US Marsters gets little green light! | ||
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January 18, 2004; Source: AnyoneForTee.com McDonald’s, NASA, Warner Bros and Gobra to sponsor first Mars Open! | ||
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By AnyoneForTee co-publisher Martian Moodie MARS. Plans to host the world’s first ever championship golf tournament on a planet other than earth are being secretly negotiated by the American government, AnyoneForTee has learned. | ||
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The news comes soon after US space probe Spirit sent back its first close-up pictures from the surface of Mars, revealing an ideal terrain for a world-class tournament. NASA is working closely with the USPGA to advance plans for an invitation-only tournament by 2012. The initiative is being championed by the White House as part of President Bush’s determination to complete the International Space Station by 2010 and to have astronauts on the Red Planet within a few years, and follows extensive research conducted with scale models of the course (right).  In an exclusive interview with AnyoneForTee, President Bush said: "Lack of gravity never stopped me from getting into the White House so it sure as hell isn't going to keep the American people away from Mars!""My Daddy always told us that little green men come from Mars, so we’ll have no problems with the putting surfaces. And what about those craters? I haven't seen better traps since we caught Saddam Hussein in his spiderhole." The President is understood to have personally commissioned Jack Nicklaus to design the course for the inaugural championship, which will be known as the US Marsters. Instead of fairways, the 7,700 yard course will be played on moistened and compressed red dust, believed to be iron oxide, though woods will also be permitted.  Several top players have expressed interest in the event, which will be beamed live by satellite to an earthbound audience of millions. They include eccentric Swede Jasper Parnevik, who is keen to extend his daily diet of volcanic dust to the red variety; swinging "Chad" Campbell to make the president feel at home; Colin Montgomery, who is hopeful the lack of oxygen may help control his apocalyptic outbursts; and 2003 Open Championship winner Blair - Brian - Barry Cartwright (Ben Curtis - Ed.), who is reputed to be a household name on Mars. However, world number one Tiger Woods has turned down a sponsor's invitation, claiming "the atmosphere won't be the greatest." NASA is desperately hoping that life will be discovered on Mars before the tournament, enabling a local player to be invited, "even if the game does feel a little alien to them". Despite the presidential enthusiasm, the logistics of organising the tournament will be among the most testing the game has ever known. In the equatorial region of the planet, temperatures sometimes reach 40 to 50 degrees in the mid-afternoon. At night, when Bernhard Langer (seen left, practising for the Martian cold) is likely to still be on the back nine, they dip to 150 below. There will be wind and dust on a level previously only experienced when Craig Stadler played in the Mexican Open after overdoing the chillies the night before. Nevertheless, there is historic precedent to show the US Marsters and outer space golf can take off. Alan Shepard of Apollo 14 famously played golf on the moon, using a contingency sample extension handle with a 6 iron head attached. Each astronaut on Apollo 14 was allocated a certain amount of weight for personal items. Shepard used his to take the club head and three golf balls. While there is gravity on Mars, it is only 38 percent as strong as on Earth. That means the golfers - other than the pre-weighted figures of Stadler, John Daly and Monty - will have to wear specially-adapted space suits to stay on the ground after their shots. "Wearing these suits, most people would feel pretty much as they do walking around on Earth, except they could probably jump higher," said Ed Boffin, chief NASA scientist, "which should help Sergio Garcia more than most." McDonalds is reported to have paid millions of dollars for the exclusive food rights to the event believing that with Stadler and Daly in the tournament and the clubhouse some 399 million km from earth, its ability to deliver fast food will be dramatically underlined. A Gobra spokesperson added: "We've always provided a feeling of weightlessness in women's golf, so this is just lifting our support to another level."  | ||
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