Latest News - Drambuie on Ice
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Uummannaq GC: treading on thin ice |
Lamb vindaloo: ecological disaster |
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April 14, 2003; Source: Anyone For Tee
Ice men don't cometh as Drambuie event called off - unnatural wind conditions blamed
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GREENLAND. Golfer's flatulence and global warming are the real reasons behind last month's unexpected cancellation of the 5th Drambuie World Ice Golf Championship, due to have been held on an ice flow in Greenland, AnyoneForTee can exclusively reveal.
 In a statement, the organisers said: "The ice needed for the golf course, which is created on the Arctic Ocean, 590km north of the Arctic Circle, has not properly formed to a sufficient thickness. As a result it is simply not stable and secure enough for an event of this calibre to proceed safely. Henrick Bergqvist from the Ice Golf Committee in Uummannaq added: "Greenland experiences warm climatic cycles around every 40 years, unfortunately we’ve been affected this year. We have had to cancel the event as our main priority is the participants’ safety. But at least with the cycle we can hopefully guarantee the next 15-20 winters will be much colder."
But AnyoneForTee has learned that global warming has combined with excessive natural emissions from the ever-rising golfing population to seriously erode the ice level in Greenland and put future events in doubt.
 "This event is definitely on thin ice," an advisor to the US Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) told AFT. "The earth's surface temperature has risen by about 1 degree Fahrenheit in the past century, with accelerated warming during the past two decades. There is new and stronger evidence that most of the warming over the last 50 years is attributable to human activities, which have altered the chemical composition of the atmosphere through the build-up of greenhouse gases – primarily carbon dioxide, methane, nitrous oxide and... how does one put it politely... blowing wind while putting."
"At any one time of the day, we estimate there as many as 5 million golfers crouched over a putt. The combination of an unnatural posture, tight trousers plus putting anxiety leads to an enormous number of natural emissions, which we are now calling green-stress gases."
"This effect peaks whenever Craig Stadler or John Daly is playing, or after Vijay Singh has had a curry the night before, but even the great Tiger Woods is not immune to this phenomenon."
 "Nick Faldo's caddy Fanny Sunesson, with her unique squatting posture behind the Englishman's line, is another prime culprit, helping to explain why Faldo misses so many 'downwind' putts."
The EPA (www.epa.gov) said that the unfortunate combination of gas and climate warming had led to a new type of global village "but not one you'd want to hang around in for any length of time..."
 Drambuie, a famous Scottish liqueur, is rumoured to be considering an underwater alternative in future in case any unfortunate golfers fall through the ice. “Drambuie is perfect on the rocks,” said a spokesman, “but it also goes perfectly well with water.”
Even without thin ice, the Drambuie World Ice Golf championship is one of the toughest events in the world. Temperatures can reach minus 40 degrees and participants must play on "whites" (greens - Ed.) using orange balls. They also constantly run the risk of exposure to frostbite, sun blindness, polar bears, seal holes and blue balls.
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Putting is indeed a risky business, even far from the Arctic Circle. Witness the painful pictures below.
For more information on Drambuie go to www.drambuie.com
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| Stadler, Woods and Daly: Putting is such sweet sorrow |
"The Walrus" experiences green-stress |
"The Tiger" crouches in pain |
"The Wild Thing" is lethal downwind |
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