  |
|
 |
US tourist kills haggis in Scotland! |
 November 30, 2003; Source: AnyoneForTeeBush and Blair intervene after American tourist is arrested at Gleneagles for bagging rare wild haggis out of season! |
GLENEAGLES, SCOTLAND. Anglo-American relations came under severe strain over the Thanksgiving Weekend, and only the personal intervention of US President George W. Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair averted a crisis just days after the President's goodwill visit to Britain. The diplomatic incident occured on Saturday on the 16th hole of the famous King's Course at Gleneagles, when Charles "Chuck" Hackensack (below right) killed a rare wild haggis with a topped tee shot, causing uproar among conservationists and the haggis-hunting community alike. Tempers flared as angry haggis lovers called in police to arrest Mr. Hackensack for poaching, claiming he had deliberately targetted the haggis a day before the official opening of the season on November 30th, and without a proper haggis-hunting licence. Mr. Hackensack, of Waco, Texas and his playing companions resisted arrest, and two policemen were slightly injured before Mr. Hackensack was taken into custody. The American Embassy was swiftly informed of the arrest by Mr. Hackensack's partners, and tensions were further heightened by Mr. Hackensack's wife, Darlene, a Republican Party activist in Texas, who contacted senior Party officials in the US, reminding them that her husband once played golf with ex-Governor, now President, Bush at a fundraising weekend. Meanwhile, the haggis activists were alerting lobbyists in Westminster and demanding that tighter controls be imposed on visiting Americans wishing to hunt in the UK.  The crisis finally reached the White House, when a French reporter covering the aftermath of the Iraq Thanksgiving visit asked what the President had to say about US citizens terrorising and murdering small, harmless, furtive Scottish animals. Fortunately President Bush had a clear recollection of Mr. Hackensack's erratic golf game, having narrowly escaped injury himself, and called Tony Blair to say that Hackensack was the most incompetent golfer since Gerald Ford, and quite incapable of hitting a wall two feet in front of him, meaning that he could not possibly have harmed the haggis on purpose. On hearing this the British Prime Minister ordered the immediate release of Mr. Hackensack, and further expressed the profound regrets of the whole British nation for the incident. He also promised to set up a Royal Commission to consider legislation banning haggis-hunting and giving the animal "endangered species" status in the wild. As a gesture of goodwill, Mr. Hackensack was presented with the haggis he had killed, although by the time he returned to Gleneagles it had already been stuffed in the traditional manner, leaving it unsuitable for mounting as a trophy. "I'm truly sorry for this terrible accident," said Mr. Hackensack, "I could never kill a living creature in cold blood, but my game is just - well - so bad, and I just topped that ball low and hard, straight between his eyes as he crossed the fairway." Mrs. Hackensack declined the offer of a pair of gloves made from the haggis' fur, although her request for a mating pair to establish a haggis farm in Waco was accepted. Asked about their plans, she said "Chuck and I want to raise the haggis in Texas, and maybe release some into the wild. It's our way of giving back what Chuck so tragically took away. If we can breed them successfully, maybe one day Americans will even replace their Thanksgiving turkey with the much tastier haggis."  Zoological footnotes: According to specialist web site www.haggishunt.com, the haggis is a close relation of the Australian duck-billed platypus, known in Britain as phatypuds. The British haggis is most probably descended from a migrating group trapped in northern Europe during the last ice age. They have evolved thick pelts and layers of fat which allow them to survive the rigours of the northern winter. Once numerous in the wild, their numbers have declined sharply as global warming has shrunk their habitat; they are now rarely found outside Scotland, where relentless hunting for the traditional Hogmanay dinner has further reduced their numbers. The haggis found in shops these days is most likely to be farmed, although the connoisseur will tell you that the wild haggis has a more satisfying, gamier flavour. Shy and active mainly at dawn and dusk, the haggis is rarely seen in the wild, and to preserve haggis stocks, hunting is now limited to the period from November 30th to January 25th (hence the uproar caused when Mr. Hackensack killed a wild haggis on November 29th), the latter date corresponding to the beginning of the breeding season. According to haggishunt.com, the traditional way of hunting haggis is with the 'meuran', a implement resembling a cross between a mashie-niblick and a sack of oats, designed to give a club-like blow to the haggis at close quarters. Mr.Hackensack's "cowardly" use of a metal 3-wood to kill his haggis with a golf-ball at a distance of some seventy yards was therefore a further insult to purists. |
| Back to top |
|
This page © Copyright 2003 by Duffersgolf |
 |
|
 |
 |
 |
|
 |
|
 |
|
 |
|
 |
|