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Governor of Svalbard has AFT's man thrown in the chiller!

March 7, 2004;  Source: AnyoneForTee
I'm on thin ice for breaking every rule in the book!
(See if you can skate round them in our competition below.)

By AnyoneForTee's Nordic Correspondent Archie Pelago

SVALBARD, NORWAY.  Locked up in the Longyearbyen jail on a Sunday morning ain’t exactly my idea of fun, writes Archie Pelago. I’ve been behind plenty of Scandinavian bars before, but most of them were well-stocked with Absolut. Whereas this is just absolute hell...

Last man in the queue for the ig-looIt’s been a long, tough night. Boy do they treat their prisoners rough around here. Instead of central heating they have central freezing! The jail is made entirely from blocks of ice. Talk about a hard cell approach. And you don't want to know about the ig-loo. Just the one for all these prisoners. I had to stand in line for hours to take a leak, with my legs crossed - I guess that's what they call minding your P's in Q's!

A giant crab on its last legsWith the Drambuie World Ice Golf Championship due to take place on April 1 to 3, the timing couldn’t be any worse. I need to get my game into shape and that means hitting balls, not sitting here freezing them off. My driving was all over the place the other day, going sideways as fast as one of those giant crabs Mayor Walrus served at dinner last night. Apparently they’re usually reserved for Christmas dinner and special guests – probably Santa Claws.

The Walrus Symphony Orchestra conducted by Arturo TuscaniniI don’t like the look of the company in here much. And they don’t like the look of me either. There’s a confused lemming who wanted to jump up a cliff; a down-on-his luck and not very bright Eskimo who was caught trying to set fire to his house; and a crazy-looking walrus keeping us all awake by serenading the prison officers on some kind of horn - I'm going to have to take him to tusk for that. But at least there's that cute little shy-looking prawn over in the corner. I may try talking to her and see if I can coax her out of her shell...

And it had all been going so well, until I insulted the local police chief at the 19th hole. Boy are they sensitive around here! All because I asked him whether it was true about his partiality for the local wildlife.. I should have kept my lips sealed. What a blubbermouth!

Nell from the old 'Eskimo's Arms'Anyway, they’re all trumped up charges clearly designed to stop me winning the tournament. My editor’s sure to bail me out soon. I hope so. I don’t want to be past my cell-by date by the time of the Drambuie World Ice Golf Championship. Hope it happens soon, that Eskimo is giving me an odd kind of smile... Oh my God, it's Nell from the old Eskimo's Arms (see Archie's previous story)! Now then, Nell, be an ice boy... stay over there...

Editor’s note: The preceding article was filed before Mr Pelago was taken to court and sentenced to a month’s community service emptying the water from Mayor Walrus’s fishing boat. He requested bail but was given a bucket instead.

The Governor's Office in LongyearbyenAnyone For Tee wishes to formally apologise to the Governor and community of Svalbard and in particular to the good citizens of Longyearbyen for the unfortunate behaviour of our Nordic correspondent. We have obtained the list of charges against him (below) and will be making a substantial donation to the Longyearbyen Duffers Golf Club as a goodwill gesture. Anyone For Tee readers planning to participate in the Drambuie World Ice Golf Championship are reminded to respect local customs and sensitivities at all times.



The local travel-related businesses in Svalbard, in cooperation with the Governor's office, have developed a set of "Common Sense Rules for Svalbard", which describe how visitors to Svalbard are expected to behave. The rules - and the corresponding charges against Mr A Pelago of the United Kingdom - are as follows:

  1. Don't be an arctic litterbug! Leave no lasting signs of your visit.
    You left 14 empty miniatures of Drambuie on the course - and that was just the first 9 holes! You also left at least a dozen balls in the water, one five iron and, most unfortunately, a Penguin bar wrapper.
  2. Birds and other animals are not to be disturbed. Remember, you are the guest.
    Disturbed a seal. Or to be more precise, killed it (which is pretty disturbing for its wife and seal pups.)
  3. Help take care of the biodiversity. Do not pick flowers.
    Drunkenly gave Mayoress Walrus a bouquet of hand-picked Arctic daisies because you said she was "so blooming lovely".
  4. Leave old cultural remains alone. Law protects all traces of humans from before 1946.
    Caused an avalanche on the 16th, destroying an ancient Eskimo burial ground in the process. And you tried to defeat Mayor Walrus at golf - he is clearly from before 1946.
  5. I can't bear it...
  6. Pursuing, attracting or enticing polar bears is strictly prohibited. They are dangerous animals, but also vulnerable.
    And never more vulnerable than when... er... seeking relief. Asking for a free drop "because the polar bear had one on the green in the line of my putt" is simply not in the spirit of the game.
  7. Do not leave the settlements without a suitable gun, and experience in using it.
    Your short game may have been "firing on all cylinders" but it's hardly the same thing. You exposed the Anyone For Tee-caddy to great danger. But enough about your shank.
  8. Be considerate of others.
    Considerate? You killed or frightened half the local wildlife but worst of all drank our entire Drambuie stocks for the next three months.
  9. Contact the Governor's office (Sysselmannen) if planning a longer field excursion. A mandatory registration applies for travel to large parts of Svalbard (outside Management Area 10).
    Errant game off the tees meant you covered most of Svalbard during your round without the necessary permission.
  10. Acquaint yourself with the rules and regulations pertaining to travel and other tourist activities on Svalbard.
    You made no effort to fit in culturally and your rendition of (and behaviour towards) Eskimo Nell was highly distasteful.
  11. For the sake of both the environment and yourself, we recommend organized tour arrangements.
    Went "off-piste" on at least 16 holes, most notably the 19th. You plainly could not organize a piste-up in a Drambuiery.


Answer the question and win a special "Ice Golf" prize!

Win a bottle of Drambuie and a "Drambuie On Ice" polo shirt from the world's finest whisky liqueur by answering the following simple question and e-mailing your answer to
Icegolf@AnyoneForTee.com.

The Governor's case against Archie Pelago mentions a Penguin Bar. What is a Penguin Bar? Is it:
Anyone heard of a bar around here?
  1. A place where penguins go for a drink
  2. A chocolate biscuit
  3. A local law in Svalbard forbidding penguins to trespass on the golf course
Answers must reach us by 21 March.


NOTE: There's still a month to go before the World Ice Golf Championship begins in earnest. Watch out for reports on the event from AnyoneForTee's Nordic correspondent Archie Pelago, as soon as he has completed his community service!
 

The beautiful Polar Bear cartoon above (and many other fine prints) can be viewed and purchased from Bob Patterson's Fine Art Galleries.
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