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Cambo v. Lambo - can ewe believe it?

July 9, 2005;  Source: AnyoneForTee
'Cambo' v. 'Lambo' showdown down under as golf-playing sheep challenges Kiwi golfer Michael Campbell's supremacy!
By AnyoneForTee's Sheep Farming Correspondent Abel Shearer

NEWE ZEALAND.  Surprise US Open winner, Kiwi star Michael Campbell, has accepted a NZ$1 million winner-takes-all challenge to his number one status in the country.

But the challenge has not come from any of the other top Kiwi golfers such as Craig Perks, Phil Tataurangi, Michael Long or AnyoneForTee co-publisher Martin Moodie.

Instead it has emanated from the world’s only golf-playing sheep, the cloned scratch handicapper Sean Flees – the son of a mother called Ewenice and a 12 handicapper from Eketahuna Golf Club who has asked to remain anonymous. [Click here for the full story of Sean’s background and dramatic rise to fame.]

As reported exclewesively by Anyone For Tee last year, Sean caused a fewerore in Newe Zealand golfing circles by gaining a special exemption to play in the 2005 Newe Zealand Open. There he performed creditably until being disqualified on day tewe [that's enough spelling mistakes - Ed] for eating the rough by the 17th green after missing breakfast because of an early tee-off.

That disgrace led to a ban from professional tournaments – Augusta flatly refused his entry on the grounds of what Sean would do to the... grounds, despite a medical certificate confirming that sheep are allergic to azaleas.

At the time Sean’s manager, Sheep Breeding Institute Chief Executive Officer Reza Herd (seen here on his lamb-retta, accompanying Sean to a tournament), lamb-basted the authorities, saying that the top players were simply afraid of being hewemiliated [I warned you - Ed] by a sheep and that Flees would not have the wool pulled over his eyes so easily.

But the ban stuck and in the months since, a team of top New Zealand [that's better - Ed] sporting psychologists and dieticians have been working with Sean to cure his ill-timed appetites.

Now, they insist, he is cured and instead of eating up the back nine he is burning it up. By introducing farming practices from Britain, Sean is now a confirmed carnivore. "He’s off the grass altogether," said Herd, "a bit like Seve Ballesteros."

Having watched Michael Campbell (known as 'Cambo' in New Zealand) dramatically shut out Tiger Woods down the stretch at Pinehurst, Sean Flees was convinced he had the game to beat the country’s newest sporting hero and issued his challenge at a press conference broadcast on national TV.

In a major surprise, Cambo accepted the challenge – on the condition that all proceeds go to saving his beloved Titahi Bay golf course, just north of New Zealand's capital Wellington. The land has been leased by the club for almost 50 years from Radio New Zealand, which operates a transmitter on the site, but the Department of Conservation's tenure on the land is likely to expire in 2011 and the golf club's lease, which has been informal since 1999, is set to terminate. [Editor's note: If you would like to add your support to Michael's efforts to preserve the course, please see the bottom of this page]

In our picture at left, Michael's father Tom (opening champagne) and his mother Marie (holding the Kiwi flag) celebrate Cambo's win with other members of Titahi Bay Golf Club.

The match, billed in the New Zealand media as 'Cambo v Lambo' will be played over two rounds, one at Cambo's endangered course with commentary by another endangered species, world famous commentator Peter Alliss, who told AnyoneForTee: "It’s a funny old game, cor blimey O'Reilly... Lambo v Cambo, whoever would have imagined it. Well I never..."

The first 18 will be held at Lambo's Eketahuna Golf Club in Wairarapa (owned by Waira, the New Zealand cousin of rapper Eminem), with the return match at Titahi Bay (right).

Michael Campbell told AnyoneForTee he was confident of success. The golfer celebrated his US Open win by purchasing a new Porsche and said that when he beats Sean Flees he will follow up with a Lamb-orghini. "I saw off a Tiger so what threat is a sheep?" he commented. "I’ll make mince meat of Lambo!"

Asked to comment on such a dismissive response, the taciturn Sean Flees muttered "Baaah". "Humbug," added his manager. "It’s time to sort out the rams from the boys," he added.

Flees is confident of having the greater support in the gallery. New Zealand has 49 million sheep and only 4 million people (that's roughly 12 sheep to each person, an allocation taken up by many, especially on cold winter nights in rural parts) and the sheep community are expected to flock to the match to support their hero.

"Cambo may have an army of supporters but we can call in the Merinos," said Herd. "That should guarantee there's no sheep dip in form on the day."

Campbell may not have things all his own way. In a practice round last week with the world’s media, using a Ram Driver and a tewe-iron [stop it - Ed] Sean was consistently out-driving Sky Sports award-winning commentator Ewean Murray hitting the ball over 300 yards, displaying a surprisingly deft touch around the greens, and holing putts from all over the place with his unique variant on the 'claw' putting grip, the 'cloven hoof' grip (pictured right).

Flees is reported to have been further motivated by an interview Campbell gave with the Sunday Telegraph in the UK in which he recalled growing up in New Zealand: "My golf course was a farm and nine holes and there were fences around the greens and sheep everywhere. Before you went out you had to tuck your pants inside your socks so you didn’t get sheep shit everywhere."

"It’s alright for Cambo to laugh," said Herd. "But Sean came from a working class sheep family who couldn’t afford an inside loo. His is a sad tail."

Log on soon as we bring you exclusive coverage of this ewenique sporting occasion [for the last time, stop it! - Ed]. Will it be a case of the flying kiwi celebrating his lamb chop and dancing the lamb-ada in victory, or will the US Open winner be feeling sheepish and singing a lam-ent at the ram-ifications of his loss [you're fired - Ed]?


To find out more about the vibrant community that is Titahi Bay, visit their website by clicking on the image here. You can also send a message of support for the threatened Titahi Bay Golf Club and help to save the golf course that nurtured the 2005 US Open Champion by clicking here.
 
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