ITTTTTTCYA publishes first results!

April 5, 2004; Source: AnyoneForTee
Anti-chip-yipping foundation tells sufferers "It's time to come out of the closet"

UK. Researchers at ITTTTTTCYA, the new global anti-chip-yipping foundation (funded, amongst others, by Anyone For Tee and Gobra - full details here) have made public the results of their first week of study of the crippling golf disease.

The team, led by renowned Harley Street sports psychologist Professor Honour Couch, were at pains to point out that such early revelation of conclusions is not the scientific norm, but that they believed it was justified in this case.

Prof. Honour Couch, BPS

"In the hundred or so interviews we have conducted so far, there is one overwhelming common denominator," said Professor Couch (right). "Such is the shame felt by yip-chippers that they have trouble admitting they have a problem. Like alcoholics, they are in a constant state of denial, putting their problems down to stress at work, tiredness, poor concentration, family worries and a host of other excuses, not recognising that they are in the grip of a disease. But until they will admit to it there is very little we can do for them, so we are making a plea to sufferers to come out of the closet and seek help."

To assist in this painful process, Prof. Couch has therefore released a preliminary list of the commonest symptoms of chip-yipping, drawn up during her team's observations of anonymous volunteers at the foundation's outdoor testing facility in Florida, pictured here. If you recognise any of these symptoms, Prof. Couch would like to hear from you at the address at the bottom of this page.

Each symptom has now been assigned an official medical name, together with a brief description:

The Stab: A short, sharp thrust, delivered by the dominant hand, lacking in all aspects of swing, rhythm and flow. The result is highly unpredictable, but never good.
The Jerk: This is more of a stiff-wristed shot, initiated by a rising movement of the shoulders, under the erroneous assumption that eliminating excessive wrist-action will render the chip slow and smooth. The result is usually a very short, inverted 'U' flight on the ball, with no control over distance, although often directionally quite accurate.
The Fizzer: Watch out for this one if you're standing on the opposite side of the green to a chip-yipper! This is a full-blooded half-top or thin, normally powered by the dominant wrist and often executed with both eyes closed. The result is a 'fizzing', ankle-breaking low bullet of a ball, which finishes as far, if not further, from the hole than to begin with, on the far side of the target. 'Fizzers' have been known to go in the hole if they by chance strike the flagstick at or below its centre of gravity.
The shank: A classic. Too much wrist, or an overly flat plane, delivers the club to the ball hosel first. The ball shoots off almost perpendicular to the target line. Bad cases (eg our co-pubisher) can shank their way right round a green without touching the surface at any point.
The Stub: Not to be confused with the stab, which it nevertheless superficially resembles, the stub is delivered on a more vertical, descending plane, digging the club into the ground well behind the ball and stopping almost at once. A bad stub may even turn into a whiff (see below), although the usual result is a ball which trickles barely a couple of feet, leaving the yip-chipper with the same horrid shot all over again.
The Dunch: A close relative of the stub, but catching less turf, resulting in severe deceleration of the club, rather than a complete halt. The dunch produces a tell-tale short, fat divot, which sometimes travels further than the ball.
The Toupée: Thus named by our research associates in France, the toupée is a long-distance half-breed somewhere between the stub and the dunch. While attempting a short pitch from thirty yards or more, the more powerful swing associated with the toupée cuts a longer divot but fails to detach it completely from the ground, depositing it, grass side underneath, on top of the ball.
The Whiff: Perhaps the most embarrassing shot in all golf. Missing the ball altogether on a full swing is understandable, but an air-shot on a chip seems inexplicable - until you've had one yourself. There are many possible causes of the whiff, which is still being studied, but blind panic is one of the most common. If a chip-whiffer calls out "Just a practice swing!", don't argue; they've suffered enough already.
The Implosion: Also known as the 'Collapse' or the 'Demolition', this shot usually looks alright as far as the top of the backswing. On the way down, however, the arms and club stop swinging while the lower body and knees collapse, with totally unpredictable results. Swinging with the ankles pressed tightly together can lessen the chances of an implosion, but increases the likelihood of a shank or a whiff.
The Hoick: A relative of the jerk, but much better hit, the hoick is caused by excessive intervention of the dominant shoulder, and results in a ball that ends up twenty yards left (or right for left-handers) and fifteen yards long on a thirty yard pitch. It does however have a semblance of being well-struck, and so is the preferred form of yipping for those who retain some degree of control over their shots. The problem, of course, is the next one back...
The Lurch: Upper body paralysis is the signature of the lurch. The arms and shoulders barely move, with the 'swing' being a to and fro lateral movement of the whole body. Direction, speed, distance and trajectory are all equally unpredictable for this form of yip.
The Twitch: This primeval yip resembles a nervous tick more than a golf swing, for that is precisely what it is - an involuntary spasm of the muscles. A twitch can 'go-off' before the player has even properly addressed the ball, or it can surface after thirty or more agonising seconds of trying to 'get comfortable'. Usually, but not exclusively, a wristy stroke, the twitch in most instances yields a fizzer or a stub, with the occasional whiff, especially if the eyes are shut.
The Dig: Also called the 'Excavation', this is an extreme version of the stub or dunch, hitting well behind the ball with a more powerful swing, and is always executed with one of the wedges. A huge divot is produced, which absorbs virtually all the energy of the shot. The dig is commonly produced by amateurs attempting the 'flop-shot', and while the ball succeeds in having very little forward motion, it only covers 5-10% of the distance to the hole. Expertise in fossil identification or Roman coins is helpful if you are a frequent 'digger'.
The Flop: Incidence of the flop is growing since Phil Mickelson popularised it, with some yippers believing that the necessary long, flowing swing helps them to avoid the quick, jerky movement normally associated with the yip. Sadly, however, self-doubt usually sets in halfway through the downswing, and the yipper decelerates badly, 'flopping' the ball just a mere few feet if dunched, or 'fizzing' it if thinned. Like the hoick, the flop does at least look (to the amateur) almost as though the player is in control, so it may be of cosmetic value where other remedies have failed.
The Flick: This shot is almost 100% wrist-action, where the player believes that, with no other moving parts, the shot must be safer. The wrists are however notoriously prone to neurological spasms, and the flick cannot be relied on to produce any consistency of results. Nasty, dribbly, little thins are the most common result, there being insufficient power in the action to produce a fizzer.
The Robot: Total muscular paralysis is the hallmark of this shot, with every joint locked into place. This is normally visible from the white-knuckled tenseness of the grip at address. While the method undeniably helps to eliminate dangerous muscular spasms, it is impossible to control the amount of power delivered to the ball by the rigid body, and usually results in shots which are on line but well short or way past the hole. As with the fizzer, the flagstick occasionally intervenes to produce a yip-chip-in.

We put Prof. Couch's argument to Anyone For Tee's antipodean co-publisher (pictured far left), who has admitted privately to being a yip-chipping sufferer, but his reply was typical of the side-effects of the disease. "Come out of the closet? Why? I've never been in the closet, and if that sheep tells you I have, it's lying. As for my chipping, there's nothing wrong with it."

We then confronted him with e-mail evidence from three playing partners (photographed here with him at last August's Duffers Golf Club Travel Retail Chapter meeting in Macau), which conclusively proved that he had yip-shanked his way all round a green. "That was nothing to do with the yips," he insisted, "I had a bad hangover that's all. It was just a normal, everyday case of the DT's."

The foundation's work continues. Anyone For Tee will publish regular reports on the findings, together with answers to your queries, the first of which are published below.

A message from the publisher:
Are you willing to help ITTTTTTCYA cure the chipping yips? Wouldn't you want to see Anyone For Tee’s publisher feel able to hold his head up in public again? Tell us your story, or send your solution to the chipping-yips, however bizarre, to thechipsaredown@anyonefortee.com. We will pass on all the information to the foundation and you’ll be helping your fellow sufferer towards recovery. We do require that you give us your name, in the interests of science, but we will withhold your identity, if required, when we publish the best remedies to our growing global audience.

Meanwhile, here are brief answers to some of the mail we have received so far. Prof. Couch will of course be making a full diagnosis of each case, which will appear in the appropriate medical journals.

To "Suicidal" of Ealing: Don't do it - help is at hand.
To "Desperate" of North Shields: Have you considered taking up curling? Or crochet?
To "Laughing Stock" of Dallas: We recommend the sand-iron, but do remember to wipe off the blood before your next round.
To "Musically motivated" of Lyme Regis: Anything by Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra or Sibelius. Avoid Madonna. Yes to the Beethoven slow movements, but only if conducted by Klemperer, and absolutely not if it's Toscanini.
To "Lockjaw" of Perth (Australia): Chewing gum sometimes helps.

It’s Time To Take Those Terrible Trembling Chipping Yips Away!