| Anything Personal? |
| J-L. Nobody know da trouble I seen. Bring rescue club. R. |
| "Balm of hurt minds, great nature's second course, chief nourisher in life's feast." Next Shakespeare Golf Society outing March 15 at 9 o'clock (soft spikes). RSVP. |
| Trouble getting it up? You need the revolutionary 'Skyagra' woods and irons from Gobra - the secret's in the little blue insert! Mr H. of Coulsdon says: "I just couldn't get it up at all. Now thanks to Skyagra I'm getting great height and length, and the game is so much more satisfying for me and my partner." Available from better professionals. |
| Depressed and desperate about your latest round? Need to talk? The Fairway Samaritans are always there to listen - 0208 434 7686. |
| Jerry. It's not fair - you always win. I want three shots a side. Tom |
| Ambidextrous 12 handicap (swings both ways) WLTM left- or right-handers, for mid-week singles. No professionals. Ref 8/04. |
| Chunky chips - Book the Ivy! Double or quits says I make it four. Weekend in Paris, La Tour d'Argent? Luv Chilli-dip |
| Don't play golf if it's not your day! Your golfing fortune can be told by internationally renowned clairvoyant! Horoscopes, palmistry, tarot, phrenology and entrails all available. Why leave that game to chance? Reasonable rates, 24/7 service. Ref 10/04. |
| Shortside. You know what they say about 2 up and 5? Don't do it. Bunker. |
| Please help me find a Dunlop Blue Flash RH 5-iron, c.1967. Lost mine in pond and nothing else will do. Search the attic and the garage - someone must have one. Will pay top dollar. Ref 13/04. |
| Energetic swinging couple - M22hcp, F19hcp - seek open-shouldered partners for weekend foursomes. No single figures please. Ref (with recent photo) 6/04. |
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| Anything for Sale? |
| We told you so! Visit Drs. Snippet & Tuck, 37, Harley Street, for the latest in sex change operations. In just three hours we'll have you driving off the ladies' tees like our most famous patient, who is playing this month in the Australian Women's Open! Add 50 yards to your drives! Results guaranteed. Warning: side effects may vary from customer to customer. |
| Exclusive Philip Price socks! As featured in October's OB! Magazine, genuine copies of Philip's favourite footgloves. Choose from Crossword, Party-Cows, Ballooning, New York Taxi and many more styles! Only £4.99 a pair! Ref 5/04. |
| Calling all Greenkeepers! Complaints about the 'umps 'n 'ollows? You need the new Craig Stadler "Walrus" ultra-heavy roller. Guaranteed to flatten the most uneven terrain. Ref 2/04. |
| Can't see the green for the trees? GOSATNAV could get you back in play. Direction finding and distance control are child's play with this pocket-sized satellite navigation kit. Programmes available for over 3500 courses worldwide. Now all you have to do is hit it! (Note: use of GOSATNAV is prohibited in competitions.) Ref 9/04. |
| Been shafted recently? If not, you may not be playing to your full potential! Soft, worn-out shafts will let you down. Get in touch with us on sales@ineedshafting.com for steel and graphite, no-wait fitting, all flexes. |
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| Anyone Had Enough? |
| Golf widows - I can help you! I specialise in 'quickie' divorces for spouses abandoned by golfing husbands. You get the house, the kids, the cash, the maintenance; he keeps his clubs, his membership and his car. Satisfaction for all parties guaranteed or your money back! Ref 4/04. |
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| Anyone for Work? |
| It never rains but it pours. Squeegee operatives urgently needed by top PGA venue. Previous experience desirable. Ref 12/04. |
| Wanted: underwear testers. Leading UK manufacturer of sporting goods still needs amateur golfers of all levels (male and female) to test revolutionary new concepts in undergarments. Ref 1/04. |
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| Anyone Thirsty? |
| You won't choke on the superb Coonawarra Cabernet Merlot 1998 from Greg Norman Estates. Easy drinking, with just a little bite in the finish - great wine from the Great White Shark. It's a good drop! Ref 7/04. |
| If you hate the taste of rusty pipes when you drink from a fountain, put a bottle of GASANI® in your bag! If GASANI® doesn't put a 'spring' in your step, it will surely refresh you for those tricky 'tap-ins'! GASANI® is The Hocus-Pocus Company's global sparkling water brand. Only 99p a bottle! |
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| Anyone for Lessons? |
| Gay Golfers! Butch Handson can help your game! PGA (Perfectly Gorgeous Apparel) qualified pro will put your golf on cruise control and have you playing in the pink! Ref 3/04. |
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| Anyone for Money? |
| US$33.000.000 available in Swiss bank account. I am Dr. Itinginida Lobwej, 1st Secretary, Nigerian Ministry of Sport. This money was earmarked for the design and construction of Abuja National GC, future home of the Nigerian Masters. I need your help to finalise the paperwork and 'take care' of Ministerial contacts for rapid release of funds. Ref 11/04. |
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