| Anything Personal? |
| Surreally awful golf addict, nearly 50 and divorced, no handicap but VGSOH (trust me, I need it), WLTM lady, 40's, similarly unskilful, for bad golf and good times. My tees or yours. Ref 29/03. |
| Tee-peg collector, obsessive compulsive organiser, (47,268 different pegs asssembled into 24 categories, 106 sub-categories and 665 sub-sub-categories) seeks fellow collectors to share enthusiasm and swap duplicates. Can also classify your collection for you. Especially interested in finding 1966/7 plastic "flange-cup" 1½ inch (not 2 inch) models in red, orange or pale blue, and any pegs (except white) that have been behind Jesper Parnevik's ear. Ref 19/03. |
| J-L. Take me to the Valley of Sin again. Can't wait. R. |
| Fancy a bare lie? Entertainer/stripper available for corporate and Society days out. Reasonable rates. Call Lulu on 07714 927 035 (after midday). |
| Oversized driver seeks accomodating headcover for snug fit. Fur preferred, color indifferent. Ref 25/03. |
| Bad hair day? Nobody need know with the Ian Poulter colour and gel kit. Includes basic bleach plus 15 striking colours (even Arsenal red!), strong gel (withstands force 7 gale), and full instructions for that "Look at me!" style. Colours wash out easily when you return to the office. If you can't tame it, flaunt it! Ref 33/03. |
| Chilli-dip - Dinner at The Ivy says you can't make it three in a row. Luv Chunky chips |
| Handicapped by your handicap? We can arrange official handicap certificates from Plus 3 to 36 to suit all needs - low to enter competitions, high to win money! Write in strictest confidence to The Mirage G&CC, Arizona. Ref 20/03. |
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| Anyone for Tease? |
| Erotic golf prints! - Ideal for bedroom or den of your favorite jock. Titles include The Drive, The Stroke, The Push, The Pull, Keep The Head Down, Take It Back Slowly and many more! Adults only. Fully illustrated catalogue ($10) ref 28/03. |
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| Anything for Sale? |
| No more disputes with your opponent over free drops in the Club Championship! Get on the hot line to a PGA approved referee for instant decisions on the rules. Call Dial-A-Ruling on 0845 727 2727. (Premium rates apply. +44 845 727 2727 from outside UK. Available 24/7.) © 19th Hole Services Ltd. |
| Want to look a complete prat? The Jarmo Sandelin collection of colourful golfwear is now available by mail order. Sure to get you talked about in the 19th! Write quoting ref 26/03 for catalogue. |
| The ultimate Xmas gift! Guaranteed genuine signed and dedicated photos from Tiger Woods - perfect for office or den. Includes dedication to the person of your choice, personalized message from world's no. 1 and "Tiger" signature. Choose from: "I'll beat you next time!" (BNT), "Next time, you give me shots" (GMS), "That was some drive on the 15th!" (SD15) or "Thanks for the tip!" (TFT). Unframed only US$ 95, framed US$ 145; 10% discount for orders of 5 or more photos. Specify choice of phrase and name for dedication with order. Ref 30/03. |
| Cheer up the golfer in your life! Yippogrammes will send a scantily clad girl to your home to yip 6 shots in front of him (putts/chips/pitches - please specify preference). He'll feel better at once to see he's not the only yipper! Ref 24/03. |
| What a tosser! Get our hilarious talking golf scorer and enter your (and your opponent's) score. It's all compliments when you get pars or better, but don't run up a triple bogey or the scorer will tell you what it thinks! Great gamesmanship against the stodgy opponent. Ideal for Xmas! Only £49.95 (plus p&p). Warning: unsuitable for children. Ref 16/03. |
| Infuriate your opponent with a novelty fake banana! While you peel and eat a real banana on the 10th tee, he just keeps peeling away skins until there's nothing left! Worth at least two holes in match play, or your money back! Ref 31/03. |
| Anyone for Work? |
| Alligator Creek G.&.C.C. (Louisiana) has unexpected vacancy for Assistant Professional. Must be strong swimmer; personal life assurance and previous experience of large reptiles a definite advantage. Unlikely to suit first-time applicants or pros of a nervous disposition. Write ref 38/03 (with full CV). |
| Wanted: underwear testers. Leading UK manufacturer of sporting goods still needs amateur golfers of all levels (male and female) to test revolutionary new concepts in undergarments. Ref 1/03. |
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| Anyone Thirsty? |
| Genuine Barry Burn natural mineral water. The golfer's thirst quencher with the authentic Carnoustie taste. Ideal wi' a wee dram! "I never drink any other", says Jean. Ref 22/03 for prices. |
| Cheap booze for Christmas? All major brands available. Call Reg on 07802 737855 (24 hours). Cash only. |
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| Anyone Suspicious? |
| Mistresses! Is he out playing golf when his wife thinks he's with you? Catch him with his spikes on! We'll bug his buggy and snap his snaphook. Tee-Tecs Private Investigators (ref 32/03). |
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| Anyone for Lessons? |
| The Rules of Golf read by Stephen Fry. On CD or double audio-cassette. Ideal for car or Walkman - only £29.95! Ref 13/03. Please allow 21 days for delivery. |
| Have you tried everything else, without success? See what self-hypnosis can do for you. Mr. R. of Leeds says: "It really works! I told myself I was Tiger Woods, and I didn't turn up for the Monthly Medal because they refused my appearance money!" Ref 27/03. |
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| Anyone with Money? |
| Hopeless duffer desperately needs £5000 to attend Leadbetter Academy and regain self-esteem. Your sympathy and generosity much appreciated. Barclays 23-10-54 / 31799048. |
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