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Aunt Lucy's Agony PageAnswering your golfing queries with no holes barred |
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Lucy Locket was born in St. Andrews, Scotland only a drive and a niblick from the 1st tee of the Old Course.
From the tender age of five she would follow her father round the famous links, carrying his bag in all weathers and gratefully accepting his offer of "a wee dram" from his hip-flask whenever her cheeks and hands turned blue in the icy winter winds.
Her own golfing skills earned her a place in the victorious Curtis Cup squad who beat the USA 5-4 at Muirfield in 1952, when she was substitute shoe-cleaner and called on to change a broken shoe-lace at the fifteenth in the deciding singles match. She claims that surviving the pressure of that moment has stood her in good stead throughout her subsequent career.
More recent highlights have included twice narrowly failing to qualify for the Renfrewshire County Ladies Amateur Championship.
Aunt Lucy brings more than 50 years of experience at all levels of the game to the task of solving your golfing problems.
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Dear Readers,
Some of your letters require more than just a short answer and will, I hope, be of interest to many readers. We have therefore devised AnyoneForTee's Timely Tips, which will build into a golfer's library of helpful advice on all aspects of the game. Do drop in by clicking on the link above.
Love
L.
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| Maria has written to me from the United Arab Emirates, in response to our recent article on the ITTTTTTCYA's revolutionary belly chipper, designed to end the suffering of millions of chip yippers around the world. Maria (whose surname leads me to believe she may originally hail from the Emerald Isle, and therefore possibly be one of the "Little People") has been made the object of ridicule by her 'heightist' friends. |
Dear Lucy,
I am a keen golfer but some of my friends think I’m CRAP.
After the last article about the chipper, I was informed by my golfing "friends", who think I have a particularly bad chipping problem, that it would be no use to me as I would need a step ladder!!!! Yes, I admit being quite small at 5 feet 1½ inches. What do you suggest?
Yours diminutively
Maria, of the U.A.E.
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Dear Maria,
I'm afraid your so-called "friends" are quite wrong. For one thing, a step ladder would constitute a clear breach of two Rules of Golf.
- Rule 13-3 (Building Stance) stipulates that "A player is entitled to place his feet firmly in taking his stance, but he shall not build a stance".
- Rule 14-3 (Artificial Devices and Unusual Equipment) states, inter alia, that "Except as provided in the Rules, during a stipulated round the player shall not use any artificial device or unusual equipment:
- Which might assist him in making a stroke or in his play; or
- For the purpose of gauging or measuring distance or dinditioins which might affect his play; or
- Which might assist him in gripping the club,....."
What, then, can a vertically-challenged golfer like yourself do to facilitate use of a belly chipper?
The first, and simplest, solution is to remove the required amount of excess shaft from a standard belly chipper and regrip the club, until it nestles comfortably in the navel as it would for a golfer of average stature. This is sometimes known as 'griposuction', and any PGA-approved professional can undertake it with excellent results.
A second solution, mentioned in our most recent article but normally reserved for chronic cases of the chipping yips, is to adapt the end of the putter so that the grip-end of the club can rest inside the right nostril (or left, if you are a 'southpaw').
Thirdly, you could write (in strictest confidence, and stating your vital statistics) to Gobra Innovative Sports Equipment, and volunteer to take part in their 'Lady Yipper's Brassiere' trials. They will supply you free of charge with a specially adapted bra with a third 'inverted cup' situated between the two normal cups, designed to hold the end of a belly chipper or belly putter. I have spoken briefly with them, and we believe that at 5 ft 1½, the end of a regular belly chipper should be at the perfect height for you to make use of the bra. I personally recommend this solution, as it is both comfortable and efficient, and part of the proceeds from the future sale of this garment will go to the ITTTTTTCYA fighting fund to discover a permanent solution to the chip yipping disease.
Love
L.
PS. I see also that your "friends" are making fun of your putting. 'CRAP' syndrome (Can't Read A Putt) is another common affliction which I have dealt with in an earlier letter. May I suggest you click here to silence your friends? L.
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| This letter from "Frustrated" of Orlando takes us into the realm of psychology, with someone who is normally a good player suffering a little loss of form and confidence. Remember, in golf, everything is relative, so "Frustrated's" problems could be yours, even if in your case a dip in form means losing twelve balls a round, instead of the usual six to eight! |
Dear Lucy,
I have heard that your website is dedicated to golfers everywhere who have no idea where the next shot is going, and that's the problem I'm having with my driving. I changed drivers a little while ago, and since then I'm spraying them all over the place! In fact, it has gotten so bad that I've gone back to my old driver. Then there's my putting. The stroke feels the same, but the putts just aren't dropping.
It's reached the point where it's severely damaging my reputation, and other golfers aren't afraid of me any more.
I've been fortunate enough to be fairly successful so far, and my game has been solid. But this year everything has fallen apart. I've only won four tournaments, none of them major ones. I'm only $400.000 dollars above my nearest competitor at the top of the money list, with not even $5 million! I'll probably win the Vardon Trophy for the best stroke average, and I may win the Player of the Year award, unless they give it to that lefty Canadian. I've got a $100 million contract with a sports company to endorse their products, but I can't hit their driver.
Because of all this, the press keep saying I'm washed up, in a slump, not the force I used to be, injured, and not hungry any more. And because my girlfrend is a very beautiful blonde Swedish model, they say she's taking up too much of my time and attention.
The other guys have been encouraged by this, and now they think they can beat me. One guy called Jim has a swing like a lady trying to get out of a dress that's too tight, and another one called Kenny swings it like a weekend duffer and wears loud shirts with some kind of catsup bottle on them. And both of them have been winning tournaments that used to be mine! Now my female equivalent has won two major titles this year, and she's been getting more press than me. She even took on the men a few months ago! To cap it all, some unknown kid called Bertie or Barry.. Boris.. Bobby (it's Ben - Ed.) something has just won my tournament over in England.
I'm getting quite depressed about this. I may have to go back to my old coach Butch, but I dropped him a while back so I'll look stupid admitting I can't sort it out myself. I thought of trying the LPGA tour, but my old friend David (Duval - Ed., read the story here) is already over there and he'd recognise me even in drag.
I'm afraid it might be curtains for me. Can you help?
Yours, frustrated
Name and address withheld, of Orlando
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Dear Frustrated,
Of course it's not curtains. Pull yourself together!
Yours nevertheless sounds like quite a complex problem, and may require in-depth research for me to get to the bottom of it. Have you thought about ditching the Swedish blonde and inviting your Aunt Lucy to Florida? I'm a lot cheaper than that Dutch Ventupthespout guy that Ernie uses, and I can cook too!
However, in case that's not an option, I'll have a go on the basis of your letter.
It seems to me that you are suffering from at least two problems. One is clearly the "CRAP" syndrome affecting your putting, but I have already answered a letter on that subject (see below - Ed.), so I won't repeat myself.
The other is the YOAGAYLTO condition, which afflicts many highly successful sports people as soon as they have a few off-days. To give it its full name, this is the "You're only as good as your last time out" syndrome, and is caused by intense media scrutiny of your every move, to the point where, if you don't win every time you start, they begin to wonder if you're past it. It is a crude but common journalistic device which helps to fill the pages when there's no real news to write about. Symptoms are a loss of confidence, fewer column inches in the press, increased media interest in other players who offer something new to write about, and silly publicity stunts like dying one's hair a funny colour or growing a silly-looking beard. This can lead to severe demotivation which, if not nipped in the bud, can become terminal.
There is no quick and easy cure. However, you are on the right track by at least writing to me about it, because recognising the condition is half the battle. I think about 20 intensive counselling sessions from me would have you well on the road to recovery, but there's the problem of the blonde. So if you're determined to grit it out yourself, here's what I recommend.
1) Ask your financial people how much you're worth. That always makes one feel better.
2) Get the record books out. Has anyone else won so much, so young? Remind yourself of your goals, and break them up into manageable parts, one at a time.
3) Go back to Butch. Everyone needs a helping hand, but sometimes it takes few setbacks to make one realise it.
4) Stop trying too hard - you're putting yourself under too much pressure. Just keep doing what you've been doing and it will come right. Play your way through it.
5) Remind yourself that everyone has hot and cold periods. Even the great Jack Nicklaus had a "slump" period, and emerged from it stronger than ever.
6) If the blonde gets troublesome, I'm sending my personal address and phone number by separate mail.
Love
L.
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| David has sent me a note from the Emerald Isle, and I think speaks for many of us, voicing his concern at the disdain in which many golfing underachievers are held by their more gifted rivals. |
Dear Lucy,
Firstly, congratulations on being part of a magnificent and far-sighted web site which finally makes me feel an accepted part of the golfing community.
Up until now, we duffers have been subject to outrageous intimidation and protectionism with entry to most competitions being restricted to sub 29 handicappers. This, in itself, is rank "talentism" which is surely as discriminatory as "ageism" - neither of which an individual has any control over. Do you know if I would have a case at the European Court of Human Rights?
One last suggestion - perhaps there should be a term of recognition for any player who achieves the impossible of a sub 100 round.
Would there be any chance of a signed photo?
I hope that you will find the time to give my questions due consideration.
Yours in golf,
David
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Dear David,
Your letter warms my heart. At AnyoneForTee we are dedicated to ending the tyrannical treatment of those eternal aspirers amongst the golfing fraternity who will never break 100, two-putt or “get up and down” in less than five shots.
I agree wholeheartedly with your accusations of “talentism” and would dearly love to take your case to the European Court of Human Justice. I do worry, however, that the charge may be thrown back in our face, and would refer you to the sad case of Regina v. Van der Velde (Proceedings of the Angus District Court of Appeal, Volume 1999/37, page 112, paragraph IV, subsection iii-c).
The Court Proceedings record that a Mr J. Van der Velde of Hossegor, France, brought a claim against the Royal & Ancient Golf Club of St Andrews (representing the Crown) for an infringement of his human rights, loss of earnings and damage to his professional credibility, over an incident in the final round of the 1999 Open Championship. Mr Van de Velde maintained that the placement of a spectator stand, right where he wanted to hit his second shot at the 18th hole, caused his ball to ricochet into deep rough, whence he hit the ball into the Barry Burn, necessitating the humiliating removal and replacement of his shoes and socks without hitting a shot, and ultimately forced him to take seven and lose the ensuing playoff.
The presiding Judge dismissed Mr Van der Velde's claim as being unfounded, arguing that bad shots, bad luck and bad decision-making were not grounds for compensation. Responding to Mr Van der Velde's parting comment that this was "very unfair", Judge McNaughtie cited a Mr J. Nicklaus, an American of considerable golfing repute, who asserted that "golf was never meant to be fair".
 I think it best therefore to avoid the legal route in pursuing your crusade against "talentism".
As for an award for anyone who goes round in under 100, given your own reputation in the game and the photographic evidence which has come to light, I presume we are talking about the outward nine? My Dear David, if you will insist on addressing the ball several feet behind your left heel there's really very little I, or anybody else for that matter, can do for you! I know some unorthodox swings have come out of Ireland over the years, but even off the back foot and swinging "round the corner" like that, you simply aren't going to get at the ball. Before we discuss fancy names for the impossible, please try a more orthodox position at address. You'll thank me for it!
In the meantime, a signed photo of me is in the post. It was taken while I was coming out of the shower room after my star role as substitute shoe-cleaner at the 1952 Curtis Cup at Muirfield – I know what you were after, you naughty boy!
Love
L.
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| Sunil has written to me from Hong Kong, and is clearly insecure about the deeper meaning of his golfing inadequacies: |
Dear Aunt Lucy,
My golf handicap is higher than my IQ. Does that make me (a) Extremely
Intelligent, or (b) A bad golfer?
Yours
Sunil Tuli
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Dear Sunil,
This is a difficult one!
In search of help, I got in touch with Mensa, the club for people whose IQ is in the top 2% of the population, who told me that the average IQ is around 100.
If you are of above average intelligence, then you must be taking close to, if not more than, 200 shots to get round 18 holes, begging the question "Is golf the right game for you?". One would have thought that, with all that intelligence, you would by now have taken up a more cerebral sport, such as chess or fishing.
If we assume that you are of at least average intelligence, this would mean that you do not complete the full 18 in less than 172 shots, and you therefore definitely meet one of the key criteria for membership of the Duffers Golf Club. You can safely call yourself (b) a bad golfer.
Which of course brings us to option (c), omitted in your letter, where your handicap falls in the "average Duffer" range of 36 to 72. Decorum forbids me from saying more.
Love
L.
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| This plaintive cry for help comes from Richard, who is far too young to be having trouble on the greens: |
Dear Lucy,
I am a 22 handicap junior player and I can never seem to read the line of putts or maybe I can read them but I just can't put the ball down them, either way can you help?
Greatly Appreciated
Dick
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Dear Dick,
Thank you for your letter and don't worry - help is at hand.
Your complaint is a well-documented and curable golfing condition first diagnosed in the late 19th century by Professor Arthur "Forceps" MacVitie, long-time Chief Medical Officer to the R&A, and called "Putting Illiteracy" in the rather formal medical jargon of the period.
More commonly known today as “Can’t Read A Putt”, or to give it its pithier (American) acronym, the CRAP Syndrome, the condition is caused by the multiple tilting of the brain as your head leans first down towards your putter and then left (or right, if you are left-handed) in the direction of the hole, back to the ball, to the hole again, and so on. Put a golf ball in a cereal bowl and tilt it left and right a few times and you’ll get the idea. As well as cereal all over your trousers.
The brain’s double movement causes spatial disorientation of the visual cortex and thereby distorts the original (and correct) alignment towards the hole. Some tennis players suffer from a similar affliction when they look up at the ball after bouncing it on the ground and are prone to missing the ball altogether or hitting it into their partner’s buttocks when playing doubles – always painful. Jennifer Crapriati is a fellow-sufferer.
For those of you suffering from CRAP Syndrome, I always recommend this simple drill. Pick a blade of grass a inch or two in front of the ball on the line on which you wish to hit your putt. Then keep utterly still as you stand over your putt and confine yourself to one head movement only, down towards the ball. You should have both the ball and your chosen blade of grass in your field of vision. Align your putter blade perpendicular to the line of the putt.
At this point you have two choices: either keep looking down at the ball and stroke the putt, or, if you really want to enjoy the sight of holing a putt for the first time in years, look gently left towards the hole, but not back again to the ball, and try to hit the ball without looking at it. I personally recommend the former method, as the latter makes you prone to air shots, embarrassing at the best of times, but especially so on the green.
Whichever method you have chosen, now make a smooth putting stroke without moving your head in the direction of the ball. Say loudly in the American style: "Get in the hole!". When you look up, it will be.
Love
L.
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| Desperate, a 27 handicapper at Chipping Poorly GC, Essex, England, takes us into the delicate area of what constitutes a "stroke" in golf:
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Dear Lucy,
My regular golfing partner had a stroke while walking off the 18th green after the monthly medal last weekend. He is now in hospital recovering, but the doctors think it will probably take thirty yards off his drive.
We are both 27 handicappers, and it so happened that we both had gross 93's for a net score of 66, which was the best of the day. To determine the winner, the committee counted back the last three holes which my friend did in 15 shots to my 16, so he won the medal.
I think this is unfair, as my friend had already written a six on his card for the 18th and signed for his gross 93, but with the extra stroke he surely should have put down seven?
I'm sorry to bother you with this minor matter, but I have never won a monthly medal, although my friend has two to his credit (and constantly reminds me of this fact). I may never get a better chance, so I'd be grateful for your views which I can take up with the committee. Surely signing an incorrect card means instant disqualification?
Yours sincerely,
Desperate
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Dear Desperate,
I'm afraid you are out of luck. Section II of the Rules of Golf quite clearly defines a stroke as "..the forward movement of the club made with the intention of fairly striking at and moving the ball..". There is nothing in there about life-threatening blood-clots in the brain, so you have no ground for complaint. I would add that, as your friend had already holed out for the full eighteen holes, his ball was no longer "in play" as defined the Rules.
It would have been a very different matter had your friend had his stroke before holing out and, in the process of collapsing on the green, moved his ball. This would have cost him a penalty stroke under Rule 18-2a and thereby ensured your victory.
Looking ahead, if the doctors are right about his future driving distance, his handicap will no doubt go up, and you will have to give him strokes. Don't you think one is enough? Find yourself a new partner.
Love
L.
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| Curly, handicap unknown, who plays at Badshot Park GC, Surrey, England, brings us a problem that afflicts nearly all of us - the slice:
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Dear Lucy,
I have a slice so vicious I could go to London and tee up outside Admiralty Arch, and my drive would go all round Nelson's Column and up Whitehall towards Downing Street.
What do you suggest?
Yours sincerely,
Curly
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Dear Curly,
First of all, I must scold you for not telling me your handicap. This is essential information if I am to dispense helpful advice, so you are a naughty boy, and I won't answer letters in future that do not include the writer's handicap.
Secondly, I am unclear from your letter whether you seek a solution to your problem or are merely boasting. You make your slice sound like a circus act, when it is matter to be taken very seriously.
Thirdly, and assuming you are genuine in seeking help, I suggest that you change your grip by moving both hands to the right, so that the "V's" point towards your right shoulder, and then ensure you make a full shoulder turn on the backswing. Given the severity of your problem, this may not produce a full cure but it is the best I can do by mail, and should at least get your drive going up St. Martin's Lane or the Strand, which would be a significant improvement.
(If you should straighten up enough to break a window in the National Gallery, I would like to point out to readers that my advice is given in all good faith, and I cannot be held responsible for the consequences of wayward shots produced while trying to put it into practice.)
Lastly, if you are in fact seeking a career as some kind of trick-shot artist, I would warn you that audiences expect a lot more than just a slice for their money, so you had better start working on a hook that will go round Parliament Square against the traffic. Write to me again when you've mastered that and we'll discuss my commission.
In closing I feel duty bound to question your strange choice of driving range. The Metropolitan Police can be rather twitchy these days, especially around Downing Street, so the arrival of a curving, high speed projectile near Number 10 is likely to get you arrested, if not shot. I know you can get a lot of run on the ball up Whitehall, especially outside rush-hours, but you'd be far safer back home at Badshot Park.
Love
L.
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If you have a golfing query, however difficult or embarrassing, why not e-mail Lucy who will try to respond to all correspondence ?
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